Warlock

Despite some dated effects (the optical effects have this 80s charm to them that being a kid from that era in me appreciates and finds) and a plot that is more than a bit absurd, Steve Miner's "Warlock" (1989) is a film I find irresistible. It goes all the way across the country (LA, Colorado, Boston) with a young woman (whose gay friend gets his finger cut off and tongue plucked from his mouth due to quite the violent kiss) shanghaied (some might instead use "roped into" but either way, she's pulled into quite a situation due to losing a bracelet and some age spell that grays her hair a bit and puts a bit of wrinkle on her cheeks) into joining warlock hunter who went into a future vortex with his nemesis. Satan himself takes possession of a kooky medium and tells Sands he can be quite favored if he completes the Grimoire mission.

***

Seriously, Richard E Grant is fantastic in this movie. Throw out there your nails hammered into foot impressions in the sand (or head impression…), a rooster compass serving as both spear and search tool, and the Grand Grimoire in pages come together to give your God’s name backwards said aloud causing creation to undo itself and you still have Grant seriously bringing to life some warlock/witch hunter with an ax to grind and never-wavering speech right out of the 1690s. The guy is all business with no winking or breaking from this serious approach with a nod to us that he’s some parody. Julian Sands, as fun as he might be as Satan’s chosen one to be responsible for country-trotting to find pages so they can “reconstruct” the Grimoire so God could see his creation taken apart, Grant is just his equal. Sands brings you to the table to see the spread, but Grant is the meal you never expected to be great. Now Singer, on the other hand, well I thought she was bearable. Tolerable, but not by much. Her old age makeup is rather disappointing, but learning of her antics on set, I guess it could have even been worse. But the wigs, I just dealt with them the best I could. She’s all 80s tart and focused on herself. We’re looking at Armageddon and she’s only concerned with getting back an arm bracelet (not exactly arm candy) so she can get her “twenty years back”. What is twenty years if you and everything around you is reduced to nothingness? Bless it, she gets her youth back and even is allowed to save the day, popping some salt water in the veins…plenty of odd inventions to combat warlocks. Like copper toe shackles. Sands is able to fly thanks to skinning an unbaptized boy (his daddy didn’t take him to church)! Cooked boy skin fat is gulped by a game warlock over an open fire, giving him quite the flying capabilities and speed! Forget about being a Mennonite with the faith…one look into Sands’ eyes and it is tears of blood and blinding agony!

Warlock (Julian Sands, perfectly embodying his witch with just the right amount of confidence and joy in his evil activities), granted access through teleportation from 1619 to the 1988 by his Satanic Master, is on a mission to seek the Grand Grimoire, a specific bible which holds the "lost name of God", when uttered can "undo" creation plunging the world into chaos. Christian Witchhunter Redferne

(Richard E Grant, cast against type and surprisingly successful in the heroic lead), who followed warlock into vortex, travels to the same year, also hoping to find the book, but is surprised to know that his church folk split the book into three pieces, with pages secretly hidden across America. Redferne will need the help of someone who understands this new world and enlists the reluctant aide of Kassandra(Lori Singer, given the spunky modern 80's gal role, cracking wise..has great chemistry with Grant), a young woman whose friend's home the warlock exploded into from his vortex. She initially joins forces with Redferne because of an age spell the warlock cast on her..a bracelet of hers, in his possession, will need to be retrieved or she will die. But, as these film tend to work, a friendship will form as the threat of our very world lies in danger, if our heroic duo fails in their mission.
Miner's snappy direction keeps the film at such a quickening pace that you do not have much time to see the flaws. I think the leads bring a great deal of fun to the proceedings, inhabiting their roles with gusto. There's some religious mumbo-jumbo Grant's witch hunter uses to counteract Sands' warlock's black magic which many might roll their eyes at, but I thought it added to the film's charm. I actually liked the special effects..they're "primitive" by today's standards, but I think the f/x are handled rather well, particularly the flame which rises from Sands' warlock. Some tongue-in-cheek humor, with many of the gags deriving from the appealing "fish out of water" concept of two men from 300 years ago in the late 80's, which I found enjoyable. Also, Sands seems to be having a blast in the role as an evil warlock, seemingly relishing the chance to play a character with a chance to "dethrone" God. Grant, using a heavy Scottish accent, plays his character straight to Singer's jokey quips. Good fun to non-discriminating viewers. Macabre gag of the film..Sands achieves the ability to fly thanks to the off-screen skinning of a non-baptized child using his cooked fat as magic (..we often revisit Sands drinking the lard). Mary Woronov has an amusing cameo as a would-be spiritualist Sands uses to contact his Master. Many, including me, might actually consider this one of Miner's most entertaining films.

New World going belly up as this film hit some sort of can despite tinkering and altering to make this more palatable and less laughable truly left me sad. We cult movie VHS nerds feel as though these certain companies, catering to us, losing their shirts become lost friends that were fun when they were around and through fate's wielded scythe no longer could afford to. Their treasures still are.