Scarecrow's Blog From the Darkside

  Rod Serling introduces The Gift Anytime I revisit The Jeopardy Room , from the fifth season, I think about how spy thriller it is, though, if I'm honest, this isn't really "Twilight Zone" in its purest form. I read somewhere else, and I'm sure Martin Landau's connection is part of it, The Jeopardy Room mentioned in relation to Mission: Impossible. You have a Russian defector and the killers (one a master hitman who loves the job for the delights in how he will kill his government target, considering himself an artist while the other just wants to shoot Landau's Kuchenko immediately). The Kommisar (Kuchenko says that title with ever bit of contempt and disgust Landau can muster) considers Boris, his assistant, a butcher, just in it to watch men bleed. The Kommisar, on the other hand, wants to watch his prey squirm and quiver in the fear of a death that could come at any moment. Richard Donner is all over this episode. I don't look at From Agnes, With

Serling presents The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross  Yep, I went from following along with SYFY (or The Sci-Fi Channel) to making my own holiday TZ efforts just for the kicks. I had recorded some 4AM morning episodes of TZ specific for this Monday. As of now, it looks like a mix of fifth season from SYFY, and a few from the third season. I guess throughout the day I'll determine some sort of schedule, but I doubt it. See Part 2 for the second half of the Memorial Day marathon thread. The television repairman (Barney Phillips) Finchley's version of tender, loving care Where else would Serling host in A Thing About Machines ?   Come Wander with Me - while this episode does have its fans, I'm just not one of them. I find Floyd Burney, the Rockabilly Boy, obnoxious and dated as a character despite how the story wants to be this ethereal dark fairy tale about a timeless song, tragically tied to a singer lost in backwoods limbo, never to escape while harmonizing Mary Rachel k

 I totally get all the emphasis on "growing up" and the inconvenience of werewolvery sort of compiling on the already frustrating emergence of "the cycle", with all the suck that comes along with it, but I really responded even more to how this drives a wedge between the strong bond of sisters. One thing I definitely always loved about the film was the devotion of Brigitte towards Ginger even when Ginger seemed to start separating herself or became quite difficult to keep under any sort of behavioral restraint. And a lot of folks can relate to Brigitte's awkward outcast status in school. How you sort of duck your head down and try to walk past those in that hierarchy that loves to call you freak. While Ginger will fight off a bully during lacrosse for Brigitte, Brigitte is working with the local drug dealer to find a medicinal "reverse" for her sister's "infection". Ginger's situation (gradually turning "wolfy", aggressive,

 Veronica had the reactions so often felt by a lot of teenagers who were so fucking over the cruelty, lies ("exaggerations"), bullying, crassness, status bullshit, pranks, and importance of carrying on appearances so built into the machinery of highschool. Problem is she finds herself attracted to a psychopath with a dad who is kvetched by challenges to his demolition business. Slater, at this time of my youth, I knew primarily from Legend of Billie Jean and Gleaming the Cube. There's a moment where Ryder's Veronica burns herself with a car lighter and Slater's JD uses her hand to light up his cigarette! At the story's most absurd, the high school top brain asks the spirited "hippie" teacher to give him a copy of a VHS tape for his preppie college application...the recording of a teen suicide prevention publicity stunt for broadcast. Of course, I adore Winona. I love Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands, not surprising. I loved the aforementioned Slat

 My cousin would brag to me (and my brother was often there as well) about gruesome movies he rented on VHS. He always looked older than me despite only being one year, and so he could rent horror I wasn't allowed unless I found other slippery ways. Pieces, I distinctly remember, was especially a topic of discussion. He went on and on about how gory it was, with a few ewws as the graphic details emerged. Now he's a Baptist preacher, so our paths in life often take quite the detours. Anyway, he was right. Anyone that reads anything I write will realize I was always game for the married one-two punch of Lynda Day and Christopher. Detective and undercover tennis pro respectively, Lynda Day and Christopher try to uncover a nasty "Boston campus" chainsaw lunatic. The co-eds just can't get away in time as the maniac conveniently lugs that chainsaw around unnoticed. With all the directors spraying blood all over the in the giallo genre, Simon was like, "I'm game

 While I don't agree with Joe Bob on the tracking shot around the "Mussolini building", I see why it seems superfluous to him. With the music by "three members of Goblin" accompanying the camera wrapping around the maddening structure it's chum I will always want my fill. That shot of Daria in the back seat of the car as it rains, her hair wet, shock and terror in her face, recalling Suspiria and Inferno...I love those Argento callbacks. Joe Bob's explanation about why Franciosa is a great fit for the novelist instead of Walkin...I see where he's coming from. Loved Joe Bob telling us a lot about Franciosa, including his issues with folks in Hollywood. I also thought Franciosa just fit the likable author with a very psychopathic side that unleashes some blood splattery carnage at the end. This was a big hit on the Shudder Joe Bob Live Discussion Reddit thread.

If I hadn't just watched this not too long ago on Tubi (it's one of those like "Mountaintop Motel Massacre", a low budget slasher that you just expect to find on Tubi), this showing on Joe Bob's Last Drive-In would have been more entertaining. I still enjoyed it for JB's spirited conversations with just-not-having-it vegan, Darcy, the Mail Girl (Diana Prince) about hogs and hot dogs. JB goes out of his way to get into all the gory details. Showing another film with animal violence (pig industry works) will be certain to draw the dire of rights activists. On the Reddit Shudder board, there was a lot of outrage towards the fake hamster death in "The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane". I have to say, though, that "Slaughterhouse" is ideal for a Joe Bob special. It's the kind of slasher trash one might consider fitting for a Friday junk food night. Les Bacon, to me, does give Farmer Vincent Smith of "Motel Hell" some competition

 Even by 1991, Schoelen is still carrying books around. Schoelen just seems synonymous with school and killers bumming her youth. Villard was a big fave from One Crazy Summer, Walston obviously from Ridgemont High, Minter from The Dream Child, that loudmouth film student remembered for getting crushed by Christine, Roberts from Amityville 3D as the film professor inspiring his students to put together a Castle gimmicked theater, and Dee Wallace who makes the mistake of going into a dark theater alone. I'm all about a notorious horror film, burn victim wearing a prosthetic mask, anything paying homage to William Castle and 50s scifi and horror, and a colorful theater where a killer lurks. Not a potent slasher film, and some might say is an example of the genre enduring the wane of the 90s, but I adore Schoelen -- yeah, it's a lot of lust but I digress -- and Villard prior to his death is so much fun .

 It was like 3:30 in the morning and I have this damned sore throat and cough. HBO had this on at that time, so I was like "Why not?" I love Wilson and Farmiga as the Warrens. Cinematic Warrens are just my horror couple. And Lorraine breaking when the doc tells her Ed had a heart attack, Farmiga just has me wanting to give her a hug. And how Wilson shows that vulnerability in Ed, where he can't be as active and depends on the cane, especially his inability to control the possessed kid, really landed with me, too. This viewing has a scene at the end that stood out to me where Ed is swinging a sledgehammer in Lorraine's direction in this tunnel under a former priest's house due to the priest's daughter, who practices a form of witchcraft, blowing "possession dust" in his face. How Farmiga sells that terror and shock while Wilson just rampages sold me a ticket...these two are just so valuable to this Universe.

 I really thought the start was interesting with this grieving husband still stuck in this morass because of his lost wife, working a really mind-numbing tape-to-disc archivist job at night, discovering an "interruption" of a broadcast, the signal breaking the law. The archivist eventually ties the signal to his wife and goes on the hunt for who (or those) responsible for the intrusion. Eventually a young woman "looking to gain control" by following the archivist, sort of herself outcast and needing something to sink her teeth into, inserts herself into James' obsession. But do either of them really want to go too far down the rabbit hole? The female android sitcom from the 80s, that this signal interrupts, leaves James spellbound...he's led eventually on quite a pursuit; Alice emerges in his life as help, until she sort of exits the picture. Alice's role in this left me rather frustrated because she just sort of leaves the film. And even if James locate

 The Troma grossout personality is definitely in it's raw infancy with garbage filth brothers and their demented noisy mom kidnapping outsiders (women) to rape and torment for kicks. When called a backwoods piece of shit, rot-teeth Ike with his crazy eye takes offense to Beverly Hills socialite Trina's insult, stopped by little wolverine-like brother, Addley, before he can do the same damage to her as they did to Jackie. Abbey, with her hands all sliced up from letting Trina down and out of the second floor window in a sleeping bag, is very shaken. When it comes to rape revenge I need the revenge to be savage in order to compensate for enduring the rape. Ugh, what happens to poor Jackie, with the slaps to the face, ripped clothes, and entertained sick party enjoying the degradation as if it was a romp, takes off a star, but the revenge as resilient Trina and Abbey carry away their beaten friend (found in a dresser drawer, discarded like trash) from the ramshackle two story hous

I noticed "Choose or Die" was getting a lot of traction with those I follow on Letterboxd and Netflix was propping it up. My daughter asked me this afternoon if we might be watching a movie tonight, and I thought we might revisit "Stay Alive" in preparation for "Choose or Die". I have only watched this once, sometime on Starz about 2007. I realized why after watching it again tonight. A video game Elizabeth Bathory released from a new game through a text read by gamers before they start it. This film follows Foster, whose father burned his house down with his mother in it (and caused a traumatic hate of fire), and his friends as they try to stay alive while their deaths in the game mirror what happens to them in real life. Okay, the plot, I mean, what can I say? It speaks for itself. So Foster, and Samaire, who is a photographer living out of her van, try to locate Bathory's body in a tower in the back of a cemetery, while Munez uses the game to keep B

You put this kind of cast together, add Winston creature effects, throw into the works this punchy Goldsmith score, include the go-to Alien plot where a mining operation finds a creature/human symbiotic monster on the rampage through a large structure (ship or undersea facility, what matters is plenty of metal flooring, monitors, doors to open, corridors and shafts, crawlspaces, and machines with buttons to push, not to mention, pipes and walls, older machines, and the overall system seemingly in dire need of repairs and an overhaul), and a sinister corporation keeping secrets from the crew hired to pull material of interest to their profit margin, and I'm as happy as a pig in slop. I know a lot of folks give Weller some shit for his limited acting style, but I've always been a fan. Maybe I just think he makes interesting movies. Whatever the case he has a hell of a team together in the film with Pays, Hudson (it is not cool that what they did to him, letting him get all the wa

It was on and even in the background, the absolute artistry of Bava draws my entire attention to the screen. When Gorca and his family (all turned into Wurdulak by him) are in the ruins surrounding their remaining mortal member, Sdenka, lit by shades of green and seeming to float towards her while Count Vladmir is asleep elsewhere: I still find that deliciously eerie. She has nowhere to escape, and Bava just lights it impeccably. I feel Bava never even attempts to bring any real realism, opting to make it feel like a dark fairy tale all the way. And the entire family, including Damon's Count, are unable to escape the very vampirism Karloff's Gorca meant to purge from his countryside. Just bleak, nightmarish perfection. Even with "The Phone", where a woman is tormented by the maniac she sent to prison, returning to strangle her girlfriend, looking to finish her off, has those giallo vibes I'm always game for. "The Drop of Water", with its big sets, story

The derelict city almost completely abandoned, looking like a vast car graveyard where the only ones occupying it are the undead diseased zombies, a bunch of gun-toting dirtbags picking off whoever is also stuck on the peninsula or sicking zombies on them in their own sick arena for kicks, and a small selection of decent people trying to avoid the dirtbags and zombies in the hopes of finding escape...I didn't actually mind this too much! Now, this is just not Train to Busan to me, but expecting that I just wasn't. How do you follow that, really? Still, there is a Mad Max vehicle chase through cluttered streets (lots of tents, left-behind cars and trucks, trash, and zombies/dead), plentiful machine gun fights, and a shit-ton of CGI. I did find a couple of heart-tugging dramatic scenes that got me: Dong-won Gang enters the lion's den to rescue his friend as the gang and zombies are up against him, almost getting him out until the gang leader shoots him and the little girl beg

I really appreciate all the people, throughout the years, who kept this from being totally destroyed. And those responsible for constructing the best of the many prints for this definitive version. Imagine this forever disintegrated into nothing. Instead 100 years later, it is available to us. I can't fathom Florence Stoker accomplishing her goal to utterly destroy this Murnau gothic treasure. Schreck's deathbird, tall, lanky long limbs, pointy face, piercing eyes...the complete walking nightmare fuel. Imagine arriving to the castle, so entrapped in the wilderness mountains, no one there to steer you away from very possible doom.

When Ganz first cuts his thumb with the bread knife and Kinski pushes over the chair to press him backwards into the chair, this after trying to pull away from sucking his blood and being unable to, is just yikes. Kinski also walking like a specter down a dark tunnel, just his pallid face visible, eventually haunting Ganz' room before closing in and drawing out his long sharp fingers/nails to take more of his blood is double yikes. God, Adjani...I thought to myself, Herzog, the painter he is, has such incredible beauty and enchanting screen presence to capitalize on for his film scene after scene. The canvas of the calibre of Herzog and Adjani being available is pure kismet. I like that Kinski looks like a parasite needing to feed from whoever is available. And that wherever he goes, he's a plague. He's walking death. And Herzog makes sure Kinski is every bit a visual representation of vile, pestilence, and decay. Oh, Herzog sure knows how to layer his natural settings with

My mom loves this show, just adores it. This was her Mother's Day gift. Like the first film, she just wanted to see this with me. She really wants me to watch the show. But I was never interested in the melodrama of the aristocracy, nor have I been that obsessed as others are about the lives of the obscenely wealthy, with their giant opulent castles and structural staff of cooks, maids, and cleanup. But Maggie Smith is always fun with her quips, and the silent film crew getting to shoot the gambling picture at Downton Abbey was a cool addition because I'm a film buff who loved the era this is set. Dominic West as the gay matinee idol who charms effortlessly and Haddock as the grand cinema diva with a thick accent that the maids are familiar with since her family are the "poors" are welcome outsiders to this vast array of characters I often see pop up on Midsomer Murders. With Sound replacing the silent film era, West and Haddock feel their popularity and careers will

When I watch this, I get that it might seem to be patriotic, but I felt right the opposite. I felt this was Cohen satirizing overt patriotism, since Sam, even with honors killed in friendly fire, is talked about by his sister and wife as not a very good guy (it would seem he was toxic and scary; judging by his zombie killing spree, Sam isn't above going on a civilian body count, or killing soldiers who find his downed chopper in Kuwait). Plus, the war vet, Isaac Hayes' Jed, tells young Jody, Sam's nephew, not to enlist, unleashing on how "the bad guys" aren't so obvious. The film is purposely Stars and Stripes, Red, White, & Blue overload. The Uncle Sam in stilts meant to be in the 4th of July parade is a peeping tom. The tax cheat dresses as Abe Lincoln and mocks Francis Scott Key to Hayes. Three local teenagers burn a flag, spray paint Sam's tombstone, and piss on graves, eventually one is buried alive, another hung on a flagpole, and the third (who

This was my daughter's 80s slasher pick of the night because of its short length. There came a point in the movie where she asked me, "When does the killing start?" 😁 Those colorful outfits...1986 Cali fashion🤭 I had no plans of watching this twice in one year. I don't like it that much. But as background noise, when Shudder had it on the Slashics channel, I did often keep it running.

My daughter really liked this when we watched it back on HBO Max a few months back. This time we watched the Unrated cut, but Burr's film was still just hacked of obvious gory bits. Sigh, what can ya do, really? But she mainly liked this for the same reason I did: Ken Foree. Viggo as Tex still remains a highlight but this Leatherface family just can't compare to the Sawyers of the past two films. The pervert gross Alfredo goes on and on to the point where my daughter was like, "Why is he like that?!" 🤣 The Butler death and planned BBQ of his body is sanitized by MPAA standards and practices so much of Teague and Tex plotting to skin off him or tear into him is never shown. Even when Hodge pulls her nailed hands from a chair and stabs Tex in the back the camera "cuts away". We do see the Bad Seed little blond girl (with her skeleton doll!) stick a wooden nail into Hodge's leg, while also delighting in pulling the string that dislodges a sledgehammer swin

The house ain't laughing and no eyeball flies into a victim's mouth. There is no hardy-har-har. No birdy screech or cackling ballerina undead dance. The severed hand doesn't give a middle finger. This is a diseased arm severed from the body with a meat carver. This is a shotgun blasting off another arm of the possessed woman you love. This is a piece of mirror glass ripping apart the pretty face of a nurse possessed. This is a crowbar smashing a head. This is nails fired into the body by a gun without any chance to find a hiding place. This is broken sink crushing a head. This is a dad burning alive his precious possessed daughter. This is a needle pulled from just below the eye. Blood and bits are vomited into the face. A creepy-crawly black vomit stick demon makes its way into Levy's vagina while the woods "holds her in place". A box cutter does its damage. And despite what we might believe... Levy's fate as the possessed isn't as expected. That'

There was always a lot to like here: Iowa locations with all that corn and the desolation of Gatlin, Nebraska (Iowa a stand in for Nebraska), with the power struggle of Franklin's diminutive Isaac, who commanded influenced kids to murder all the adults, including some in a diner in that memorable opening, and Gaynes' sadistic, brooding psychopath, Malachi. To be honest, Job and Sarah's story, sort of narrated by Job and given as much interest as adult outsiders traveling through, Burt and Vicky (Horton and Hamilton) was never as worthwhile as the story of the couple with marital difficulty (more emphasized in the story of King's book) encountering the wrong turn that leads them right into harm's way. The kid being attacked and bled in the cornfields while trying to run away, the helpless situation of being trapped in the cornfield maze, and the eerie cult that worships a deity called He Who Walks Behind the Rows where kids carry around farming shears and knives, sal

Letterboxd Rushes   Stay Alive   I noticed "Choose or Die" was getting a lot of traction with those I follow on Letterboxd and Netflix was propping it up. My daughter asked me this afternoon if we might be watching a movie tonight, and I thought we might revisit "Stay Alive" in preparation for "Choose or Die". I have only watched this once, sometime on Starz about 2007. I realized why after watching it again tonight. A video game Elizabeth Bathory released from a new game through a text read by gamers before they start it. This film follows Foster, whose father burned his house down with his mother in it (and caused a traumatic hate of fire), and his friends as they try to stay alive while their deaths in the game mirror what happens to them in real lif Okay, the plot, I mean, what can I say? It speaks for itself. So Foster, and Samaire, who is a photographer living out of her van, try to locate Bathory's body in a tower in the back of a cemetery, whil

Freddy's Nightmares is fun because you never know who might show up. And with Friday alum, Tom McLoughlin directing an episode of the show, and actress of a Friday film, Lar Park-Lincoln, in a sizable role in the "back half" of the episode, "It's a Miserable Life", there is some nice "Friday-Nightmare synergy" involved. John Cameron Mitchell, for instance, is desperate to get out of Springwood and his dead-end job at his dad's burger shop. College seems ideal somewhere way out of Springwood. But he happens to be stuck at the burger shop overnight due to his dad needing him to take over because another employee won't be showing up. Meanwhile, Park-Lincoln, Mitchell's girlfriend, insists on coming to the shop to see him. Unfortunately for both of them, some leather-jacket crook with a wicked smile on a motorcycle, packing a pistol with quite the nose, happens to arrive to ruin their evening. The first half makes it seem the shooter on

 Freddy's Nightmares is now on Tubi and Elm Street fans are pretty stoked about it. While this is a big feature on Screambox, getting the chance to watch both seasons on Tubi seems perfect. This is the streaming platform I consider just the right fit for one of those obscure late 80s horror anthology series that was built for syndication. I could just imagine catching Freddy's Nightmares early morning on some station during a case of insomnia. But from what I can remember when watching it on the now defunct Chiller Channel on DirecTV, most of the series just doesn't have that punch you might hope for with the Elm Street films. What's cool about "No More Mister Nice Guy" is you get the court room acquittal of Fred Krueger, complete with the cop who arrested him without reading his rights, Lt Timothy Blocker (Ian Patrick Williams), in the audience having to witness the suffering parents watch as the child killer, in this peculiar booth-like cell in his green and

 Are there instances where you just want a film to get to the point and get on with it? It was 40 minutes in before Spader reveals to Stolz that he plans to blackmail a racist rich oil exec responsible for the death of a hooker. There is unstable woman-beater, Rooker...Big Oil means Rooker has deep pockets. Rooker and Stolz are friends, but Unger is off-limits so Stolz getting in bed with his buddy's sister is a big no-no. Going as a stripping, dancing junkie pulled into this whole mess due to her romantic attachment to drug-dealing, shades-wearing, Elvis hair Spader just seems like a square peg...when I see her opening scene my jaw was dropped. I couldn't help but wish her agent had convinced her this movie was a bad idea. Unger as the sultry sister of Rooker (who has incestuous yearnings for her), married to Spader (who seems perfectly okay with her flirtatious, promiscuous ways), often teasing Stolz, is my personal highlight. I mean Unger's introduction has her in a scan

 I just finished watching "The Hills Have Eyes Part II" (1984) with my daughter, and I'm just spent. She expected me to be more engaging, to talk to her more as we watched it (I mentioned before, she is Autistic and really is a Chatty Cathy, so I'm often "encouraged" to engage constantly with her, haha). I want to say I have written a review on the blog of that first viewing we had of this sequel and adding some thoughts on my Letterboxd account, I just had a few paragraphs. I watched nine Friday films over the week, including six on Friday, a repeat of "...Takes Manhattan" today. And HHE II is basically another Friday film, except Jason is replaced by The Reaper and Pluto and the setting is the desert rocky hills of Bronson Caves instead of Crystal Lake. But I'm just brain dead.  --- I felt really bad when my daughter looked over at me and said, "Why were you so quiet? You barely talked to me" while watching this film. We had fun tog

  Graduation Day (1980) My daughter will be graduating next year while my son moves into high school, so she has been preparing our graduation slasher day for weeks. She had been wanting to watch this and Prom Night (1980) so after completing her 11th grade Friday, today was the day. The kids in this film looked as elated as my daughter was to put one more year behind her. I vomited out a lot of review on March 26th, so I'll leave a thought that came across my mind. Christopher George seemed to be told to just be an asshole in every scene. Just act a dick to everyone. He's good at it. I guess since his coach is considered a murderer for Laura's blood clot death and he was shit canned from the track team for it, he sort of seems to have a reason for it. Nah, I figure he's just always that way. I do remember how cool it was to be at that point in 12th grade where my passing was locked in and the pressure was off...back in 1996. 🥴 The principal, played by Pataki in those

  Friday the 13th '80 Although the film sort of hints at the older Steve, in charge of trying to get Camp Crystal Lake up and running, and artist potential camp counselor from California, Alice, is a possible sexual something-something, I have always felt Alice and Billy were a much better fit, with a lot more chemistry. Nothing brightens my evening more than Crazy Ralph peddling away from warning doom to counselors on his blue bike with basket or Deputy Dorf on his motorcycle issuing ultimatums to the counselors about smoking grass. Bill promised Alice they'd be laughing about their predicament in the morning...Pam believed she owed it to her baby boy to see that wasn't the case. "I'm not afraid." --- Friday the 13th :Jason Lives '86 I just want to rant about the AMC cut a moment. How can you cut the great internet meme with Jason quizzically viewing his handiwork of holding the arm-to-shoulder of Burt with machete still in the hand's death grip and s

  August 13, 2022 will be Part III's 40th anniversary Some Letterboxd anecdotes: Monday, 9th. Friday V (1985) I still, all these years later, wonder why, when mapping out the chores for the day, Matt and Pam thought it was a good idea decided upon unstable Vic with his serious control issues, was given wood-chopping duties and an ax. "Come over here, Roy. Get your hands dirty." A New Beginning (1985) I used to be *that kid* who was so pissed at the twist regarding the identity of the killer and hated this in the 90s because of it. The 2000s and 2010s I've come around to it. The damn thing is crude, vulgar, perverted, profane, cut to shit (said it before, saying again, Fuck you, MPAA!), with my favorite score by Manfredini and the hallucinations and nightmares of Jason in Tommy's tortured mind kick ass. I just loved Reggie when I was a kid, thought what Matt and Pam were trying was admirable, felt bad for Reg's grandpa, and always considered the Voorhees sexual

I could remember as a kid in like 1992 my parents took us on a trip, and one night, this film was on. It was right in the middle of the film, and Whaley is roller skating when passing a clothes aisle, seeing Connelly. Gordon hangs his camera on her, and we are just as transfixed as he is.  Yes, I could gush about Connelly and compliment Gordon about knowing who he had and getting that camera on her as much as possible, or Whaley's yappity-yap banter with anyone who'll listen to him, but I just want to credit the film for putting Corbin and Willingham together as cop and governor, the latter an overbearing father to Connelly...their back and forth is exactly what I needed in those small increments this film gave me. Overnight at Target, Whaley tries to make the most of his janitor job since he's lost every other one in town. His father, who goes through an existential crises wondering where he failed him by late night binge-eating, threatens to ship him off to St Louis. Oh a

Cringe-o-meter charts off the scale. Louise gets all googly-eyed for football star Brad, while cheerleader Randa seems to grab the high school attention. David is the nerdy, bow-tied cousin Randa sets up with Louise. Polly is the opinionated friend always urging Louise to step out of her shell, Richie (Joshua Miller; Near Dark / River's Edge) is the messy, gross, food-addicted bro always obnoxious towards her, and she soon has the ability to use magic to turn her brother into a poodle and make David disappear in the front seat of the car while trying to grab her ass. The white rappers in school who seem to rap all their dialogue and a cheerleader locker room music video breakout are as yikes as the late 80s big hair, loud clothes, and Rubenstein as a palmreading witch who gets bummed out her magic money is all wet, remarking, "Hells Bells." There is a lustful diary entry read in English class and how a condom works along with a chalkboard lecture about those swimmers in S