Creepshow 1 & 2 Tales in Order from Favorite to Least Favorite

1. 
   
    The Crate: 147 year old expedition crate, nailed and locked due to the human-eating "fluffy" monster inside with a lot of teeth, never-ending appetite, and ability to eat a hell of a lot, found by a janitor under a stairwell in an old college. While one professor (Weaver) watches as the janitor is gobbled up, after mistakenly removing the restraints of the crate, with his pal and fellow professor (Holbrook) taking advantage of the situation by feeding his alcoholic, crude, verbally abusive wife (Barbeau, gnawing the scenery) to the creature. Weaver can't keep his inquisitive grad student from getting too close to the crate while Barbeau, ever the busybody, nosy bitch, arrives at the school when answering a letter requiring her help from Holbrook. This is just the absolute classic, to me, of the entire Creepshow franchise. Holbrook imagining killing his wife due to her horrible personality and attitude, with the monster his means to get rid of her, while Weaver is aces at conveying total mental breakdown and terror. Holbrook's obvious misery is kept under check, although we do get to see how he's about to snap. The creature is actually beneficial to him, while everyone else's safety will be at risk when Holbrook dumps the crate into a river, believing incorrectly that Fluffy would drown. Lots of monster carnage and the starpower of Holbrook, Weaver, and Barbeau helps. 5/5
2. Something to Tide You Over: Nielsen's cold blooded insanity and diabolical mind are right the opposite of what "Naked Gun" fans were accustomed to as he tricks Ted Danson into being buried up to his neck in beach sand, in order to see his lover and Nielsen's wife (Gaylen Ross; "Dawn of the Dead"), not knowing what plans the vengeful husband had for him in terms of the tide. Nielsen is that type who simply will not let someone else "take what is his", in this tale's case: Ross. Drowned by the tide while both were buried up to their neck in sand, unable to move as the tide washes over them, this tale really lets us experience Danson and Ross' terror. Nielsen's handiwork won't end with their demise: he has revenge coming his way, too. "Remember to hold your breath!" 5/5
3. The Raft: Four teenagers decide to go for a swim, not realizing the lake they choose has this human-devouring "oil slick" in the form of a large garbage bag floating at the surface of the water. This eco-creature has intelligence and patience (it even belches after a meal at the end of the tale!), waiting for opportunities to snatch each teenager and envelope them. Once the thick, oily-sheen substance grabs hold of a body part, there is no escape. The oil slick creature is like a trap: it attaches itself to you and pulls you into it as it absorbs you in very quick time. This has some really icky moments such as when it absorbs a victim reaching for help, telling the other three how much she hurts before totally being absorbed. The second victim is pulled through the raft when the oil substance is able to slip through a crack and attach to his foot...while pulling him through the raft, one of his legs is broken upward with his reaching fingers lost underneath, leaving behind a class ring. 4/5
4. The Hitchhiker: Returning from "six orgasms" with a gigolo, Lois Chiles (she had quite a run in the 70s; "Moonraker") accidentally drops a cigarette and fails to see a hitchhiker (Tom Wright; "Tales from the Hood"), mowing him over with her car. Deciding to leave the scene (one of a group of motorists who stops to check on the victim is truck driver, Stephen King!), Chiles continues to see Wright, who keeps trying to grab her while telling her, "Thanks for the ride, Lady." This is a hoot if just because Wright won't go away, no matter how many times Chiles throws him from the car, runs him over repeatedly, and smashes him into trees. Chiles spends a lot of time talking to herself, especially about her actions. But the hitchhiker is quite resilient! 4/5
5. Father's Day: Revived by Lindfors' Jim Beam dropped on the grave of her deceased father on Father's Day, the corpse of Lormer breaks from his resting place to "find his cake". Lormer, notorious for hiring a hitman to kill Lindfors' fiance and being a royal pain in the ass to his family (paranoid about how his family wanted his money, most seemingly accumulated through nefarious means such as murdering and bootlegging), definitely wants his cake. Ed Harris' dopey dance skills are played for comic effect...this seems to be right after Harris worked for George Romero on "Knightriders" (1981). Just the design of the corpse, emerging from his grave and John Harrison's unnerving score adding to the effect, give this tale some punch. It really can be nightmare fuel. 4/5
6. They're Creeping Up on You: cutthroat businessman, Marshall, keeps a clinically clean apartment he pays top dollar for. Pathologically OCD and always on his phone making deals to secure other properties through giant takeovers (one such takeover results in the former owner of that business taking his own life through gunshot, with the grief-stricken wife calling Marshall to tell him to burn in hell), Marshall has a big roach problem. Despite the apartment (complete with hermetically sealed bedroom built especially to keep out anything creepy-crawly) supposedly being protected against roaches, Marshall can't get rid of them. Eventually the roaches become too much of a problem, targeting Marshall! If you hate roaches, skip this one. Roaches bursting from a mockup of Marshall is quite yucky. 3.5/5
7. The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill: Stephen King's goofy hick in overalls loves his pro wrestling and bottle of Apple liquor, hoping a fallen meteor will bring him the green needed to pay off the farm. Instead, he accidentally opens that meteor with a bucket of water, touching the surface of said meteor, dumping out its contents into the land, causing a catastrophic "plant virus". Soon King is covered inside and out with plant life, soon turning him into plant life! The entire farm and house is covered in green grass. King's performance is often the object of fierce critical ridicule. Most of the time, this specific tale is sited as a reason why Creepshow (1982) is imperfect and not the essential horror anthology fans like me claim it is. 2.5/5
8. Old Chief Wood'nhead: George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour (Lamour retired after this performance) own a general store in a dying Arizona town where business is lousy, eventually attacked by a trio of dirtbags (McCallany, with his head full of hair, rich daddy's son, Harvey, and trailer park chub, Holbrook) just for the hell of it. Salsedo is respected Ben Whitemoon, who leaves behind tribal treasures with Kennedy as temporary payment until his people can pay back their debt owed to the store. McCallany (who doesn't even look recognizable as Ben's nephew, Sam Whitemoon, a very busy television actor with a lot of credits to his name) takes the treasures of his family as financial means needed to get his "pretty hair and good looks" to Hollywood, with Harvey and Holbrook (son to Hal) preparing to join him. What the trio can't possibly expect is a wooden statue of a War Chief named Wood'nhead getting revenge on them for murdering Kennedy and Lamour. Used on the trio are arrows from a bow, a tomahawk, and knife to scalp a head of hair. Revisiting this again on Saturday afternoon, I still find this particular tale underwhelming. Kennedy and Lamour as a couple contemplating retirement get shotgunned in cold blood for really no reason other than McCallany has an itchy trigger finger. And their deaths are quick and over in not very long after quite a setup with focus on Kennedy and Lamour discussing the store. The kills aren't anything that special, either. Just a dud to me. 2/5