Tom Holland's Twisted Tales
**
I come from a generation that sees the name Tom Holland, Tobe Hooper, and the like and will pretty much watch whatever they might be attached to. Despite disappointment in the product (how many productions were Wes Craven and Clive Barker's name attached to that sucked ass?), I always hope *one more movie* could perhaps return them to what they were once remembered.
Fred and His GPS concerns a guilt-stricken sad sack named Fred (AJ Bowen; Ti West films' regular) who murdered his wife because he thought she was cheating on him, driving to the airport in a plan to get away. When he converses with his female-voiced GPS about why he did what he did--a type of confession, if you will, baring his soul--what she returns in response isn't to his liking. This spends most of its time in Fred's car as he admits his guilt, while the GPS, at first just giving directions, starts to tell him the truth he doesn't want to hear. His fate is rather lame, because Fred just pretty much is the victim of his own stupid fate.
To Hell with You has Danielle Harris left mad and hurt after her boyfriend dumps her, in humilating fashion, in a bar. One of Satan's hard-working "soul seekers" (played by a blonde William Forsythe) offers her a wish he'll grant: revenge against the boyfriend in exchange she unknowingly gives up her soul to him. When Forsythe kills the guy, she's in search of a way to save her soul, eventually suckering him into allowing her one other wish for *ten years*. Ole Scratch winds up making his way into the dialogue of two of the twisted tales, this time being perhaps a nice weapon to use against Forsythe. What she doesn't realize is that Forsythe is quite convincing at urging vengeance...even from someone she might anger.
Boom has one psychotic friend tying his army buddy to a bomb, believing he's having an affair with his wife. The wife tied nearby, the psycho doesn't believe what they tell him: that they were secretively planning his birthday party! Alex Unborn is the friend, Buddy, tied to the bomb, Noah Hathaway is the supposedly delusional boyfriend, and Sara Butler is the girl he believes has betrayed him. The question is whether or not the affair is true or false, and if the bomb device (with marbles, wires, a clock, and chutes that lead the marbles to the very end where the trigger ultimately rests) is the real deal or a trick. Are Alex and Sara innocent or was Noah right all along?
Mongo the Magnificent features Ray Wise as a magician known for his magic mirror routine (however, he does this in small venues), with an aspiring magician wanting to understand what makes it work. Threatened by the magician, who desperately wants to know the mystery of the mirror, his assistant in tow, they enter the mirror's portal and witness illusional worlds that function based on each individual (it reflects the best and worst in us). Wise understands the mirror isn't truly something to fool around with. The assistant is obviously an abused, mistreated noob of the wannabe magician, and Wise has too much good will and heart only certain to be of use to her if they can dispose of the scumbag trying to take the mirror as his own. Joel Ward is Dunstin Dynamite, with Breanne Racano his put-upon assistant.
Bite concerns a type of dope smoked in a bong that possibly turns you into a hairy werewolf. When the hot blonde chick of the entourage "glimpses the future" she tries to warn her friends, but is it too late? This one has this weird "stoppage" during the werewolf attacks that makes the special effects look even worse than they already are. Using a low budget can add value or take it away from a film; but in Bite, the decision to have the violence freeze on screen with animated blood splashing, does the horror sequences no favors at all. You'd think Tom Holland had never directed before judging by this one tale; it is so poorly acted, written, and made, you'd think Bite was put together by some kid in the third grade. I hate writing this, I do, because Holland has proven that he is a good director of horror. But if you were to judge his work by something like Bite, you would think he had never directed anything of substance or worth. Child's Play looks like a five-star masterpiece compared to this dreck. Brianne Howey is the cute blonde, Susan, who cannot stop the ensuing carnage.
Easily the best of the "twisted tales", the Angela Bettis-led "Shockwave" also features Amber Benson (of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) as friends whose husbands turn on each other during a night as an "explosion in space" sends a green mist-like fog that carries a powerful current knocking out power and electricity as it travels. LA is to be hit by this soon. Bettis' hubby has a "Faraday Cage" which is built specifically to halt the kind of disaster threatening their lives. Benson's husband, however, will do whatever it takes to survive (James Duval, a busy indie actor who spent a lot of time in cult films and horror for much of the last twenty years), including kill anyone that stands in his way. Bettis is the star, here, with Benson (quite pretty but uninspired) her affluent snob friend siding with Duval when it comes to taking the cage for themselves (it is only fit for two). The irony of the "threat" of the shockwave and the results of Duval's actions is quite a tragic bit of business. For something similar see the classic episode of The Twilight Zone, "The Shelter" (with Larry Gates, Jack Albertson, Joseph Bernard, and Sandy Kenyon) from 1961 which also deals with how friends turn on each other when it comes to gaining access to a safe room built for only a particular number. After such an event, people are never the same. Bettis' decision to allow her pregnant Hispanic maid to have the cage, appealing to Amber's supposed humanity really says a lot about her character. When it comes to Shockwave when compared to the other tales, at least it is conceived with a degree of professionalism and the story is developed to build on humanity at its worst when life is up for grabs. Josh Holland is Bettis' victimized husband.
Cached is a bit of amusing piffle involving an undead serial killer who committed suicide before the authorities could catch him, cutting his throat, his blood spilling on a laptop. The laptop contains his evil spirit and anyone who obtains (takes) it is his newest target. He feeds on their fear, preys on their emerging need to escape, and soon has them slitting their own throats (well, his spirit forces them to). The newest victim is some young hood with a homie who tries and fails to help him. This is more or less amusing due to the killer inside the laptop mocking his newest victim, moving from one screen to another. The throat effects are decent; this one is the gruesomest of the episodes. Adam Rose has a grand ole time as cyber-psycho ghost Danny Doyle, while Jonathan Chase proves to be funny as this supposed macho thug who is essentially scared shitless in the end. Jose Pablo Cantillo is his pal who isn't about to suffer a similar fate as Chase.
The Pizza Guy thrives on the surfer vocalizations and wide-eyed innocent facial expression of the charismatic Mark Senter (probably best remembered as the scary Ray Pye in Jack Ketcham's The Lost) as the titular character, perhaps Beelzebub himself. A young woman desperately wants to talk to her dead sister, calling on the Devil himself through an incantation with the hopes of being granted such a wish. Senter could or could not be this Devil, but every indication is that the girl who called the Devil is nuts. Senter plays his character as if he he gets up in the mornings to surf, surf, surf, and could be best buds with Bill and Ted. Curiously, this tale is provided chapters, and Senter's not leaving the apartment even when it appears he could does kind of indicate he's who the girl says he is. The goat's head pentagram on the floor, grimoire book, and the curious image on the pizza's guy's white hat, along with the portraits that segment each chapter all add plenty of Satanic iconography to go with the plot regarding what could or could not be a "dance with the Devil". Senter is the whole show here. He's a lot of fun. The chapters, awkwardly coming and going, kind of intrude upon the developments in the tale, but I enjoyed this well enough, I guess. Erin Aine Smith is Emily, the girl to do battle with Satan or so she thinks. Andy Earle, Leore Hayon, and Eli Bildner try to convince her that she should stop all the "I want to talk to my dead sister" nonsense.
The final tale is an oddball bookend with Tom Holland as a janitor in this vampire club where patrons unknowingly become blood supply. Vampire's Dance has Lisa McLowry looking for her missing sister, requesting help from Shaun Benson, trying (and failing) to save humans from being lunch. This has a weird "dance" that is supposed to be sensual but winds up just eliciting a reaction of WTF. Holland's interludes as a smiling janitor making comments about what we are seeing doesn't do the tale any favors.
Out of the twisted tales presented, I think the Bettis-led Shockwave, and Senter-dominated The Pizza Guy are the best of the rather bad/mediocre bunch. But even these two tales go on longer than needed and suffer from a lack of budget and peculiar touches that really aren't needed (the chapters in The Pizza Guy, the continual "news comments" by a broadcaster). Vampire's Dance and Bite are probably the worst of the bunch, either suffering from no clear need to exist or rotten effects. I honestly found no value in Vampire's Dance whatsover, and Bite is so badly made on a technical level, it has little if anything to recommend it.
Holland can recover from this since these were all no-budgeted shorts he made super cheap with little funding, and I came away figuring he'd be a cool guy to have a beer with, but the stench of some of these tales I hope will leave my nostrils after this review is over.
I come from a generation that sees the name Tom Holland, Tobe Hooper, and the like and will pretty much watch whatever they might be attached to. Despite disappointment in the product (how many productions were Wes Craven and Clive Barker's name attached to that sucked ass?), I always hope *one more movie* could perhaps return them to what they were once remembered.
Fred and His GPS concerns a guilt-stricken sad sack named Fred (AJ Bowen; Ti West films' regular) who murdered his wife because he thought she was cheating on him, driving to the airport in a plan to get away. When he converses with his female-voiced GPS about why he did what he did--a type of confession, if you will, baring his soul--what she returns in response isn't to his liking. This spends most of its time in Fred's car as he admits his guilt, while the GPS, at first just giving directions, starts to tell him the truth he doesn't want to hear. His fate is rather lame, because Fred just pretty much is the victim of his own stupid fate.
To Hell with You has Danielle Harris left mad and hurt after her boyfriend dumps her, in humilating fashion, in a bar. One of Satan's hard-working "soul seekers" (played by a blonde William Forsythe) offers her a wish he'll grant: revenge against the boyfriend in exchange she unknowingly gives up her soul to him. When Forsythe kills the guy, she's in search of a way to save her soul, eventually suckering him into allowing her one other wish for *ten years*. Ole Scratch winds up making his way into the dialogue of two of the twisted tales, this time being perhaps a nice weapon to use against Forsythe. What she doesn't realize is that Forsythe is quite convincing at urging vengeance...even from someone she might anger.
Boom has one psychotic friend tying his army buddy to a bomb, believing he's having an affair with his wife. The wife tied nearby, the psycho doesn't believe what they tell him: that they were secretively planning his birthday party! Alex Unborn is the friend, Buddy, tied to the bomb, Noah Hathaway is the supposedly delusional boyfriend, and Sara Butler is the girl he believes has betrayed him. The question is whether or not the affair is true or false, and if the bomb device (with marbles, wires, a clock, and chutes that lead the marbles to the very end where the trigger ultimately rests) is the real deal or a trick. Are Alex and Sara innocent or was Noah right all along?
Mongo the Magnificent features Ray Wise as a magician known for his magic mirror routine (however, he does this in small venues), with an aspiring magician wanting to understand what makes it work. Threatened by the magician, who desperately wants to know the mystery of the mirror, his assistant in tow, they enter the mirror's portal and witness illusional worlds that function based on each individual (it reflects the best and worst in us). Wise understands the mirror isn't truly something to fool around with. The assistant is obviously an abused, mistreated noob of the wannabe magician, and Wise has too much good will and heart only certain to be of use to her if they can dispose of the scumbag trying to take the mirror as his own. Joel Ward is Dunstin Dynamite, with Breanne Racano his put-upon assistant.
Bite concerns a type of dope smoked in a bong that possibly turns you into a hairy werewolf. When the hot blonde chick of the entourage "glimpses the future" she tries to warn her friends, but is it too late? This one has this weird "stoppage" during the werewolf attacks that makes the special effects look even worse than they already are. Using a low budget can add value or take it away from a film; but in Bite, the decision to have the violence freeze on screen with animated blood splashing, does the horror sequences no favors at all. You'd think Tom Holland had never directed before judging by this one tale; it is so poorly acted, written, and made, you'd think Bite was put together by some kid in the third grade. I hate writing this, I do, because Holland has proven that he is a good director of horror. But if you were to judge his work by something like Bite, you would think he had never directed anything of substance or worth. Child's Play looks like a five-star masterpiece compared to this dreck. Brianne Howey is the cute blonde, Susan, who cannot stop the ensuing carnage.
Easily the best of the "twisted tales", the Angela Bettis-led "Shockwave" also features Amber Benson (of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) as friends whose husbands turn on each other during a night as an "explosion in space" sends a green mist-like fog that carries a powerful current knocking out power and electricity as it travels. LA is to be hit by this soon. Bettis' hubby has a "Faraday Cage" which is built specifically to halt the kind of disaster threatening their lives. Benson's husband, however, will do whatever it takes to survive (James Duval, a busy indie actor who spent a lot of time in cult films and horror for much of the last twenty years), including kill anyone that stands in his way. Bettis is the star, here, with Benson (quite pretty but uninspired) her affluent snob friend siding with Duval when it comes to taking the cage for themselves (it is only fit for two). The irony of the "threat" of the shockwave and the results of Duval's actions is quite a tragic bit of business. For something similar see the classic episode of The Twilight Zone, "The Shelter" (with Larry Gates, Jack Albertson, Joseph Bernard, and Sandy Kenyon) from 1961 which also deals with how friends turn on each other when it comes to gaining access to a safe room built for only a particular number. After such an event, people are never the same. Bettis' decision to allow her pregnant Hispanic maid to have the cage, appealing to Amber's supposed humanity really says a lot about her character. When it comes to Shockwave when compared to the other tales, at least it is conceived with a degree of professionalism and the story is developed to build on humanity at its worst when life is up for grabs. Josh Holland is Bettis' victimized husband.
Cached is a bit of amusing piffle involving an undead serial killer who committed suicide before the authorities could catch him, cutting his throat, his blood spilling on a laptop. The laptop contains his evil spirit and anyone who obtains (takes) it is his newest target. He feeds on their fear, preys on their emerging need to escape, and soon has them slitting their own throats (well, his spirit forces them to). The newest victim is some young hood with a homie who tries and fails to help him. This is more or less amusing due to the killer inside the laptop mocking his newest victim, moving from one screen to another. The throat effects are decent; this one is the gruesomest of the episodes. Adam Rose has a grand ole time as cyber-psycho ghost Danny Doyle, while Jonathan Chase proves to be funny as this supposed macho thug who is essentially scared shitless in the end. Jose Pablo Cantillo is his pal who isn't about to suffer a similar fate as Chase.
The Pizza Guy thrives on the surfer vocalizations and wide-eyed innocent facial expression of the charismatic Mark Senter (probably best remembered as the scary Ray Pye in Jack Ketcham's The Lost) as the titular character, perhaps Beelzebub himself. A young woman desperately wants to talk to her dead sister, calling on the Devil himself through an incantation with the hopes of being granted such a wish. Senter could or could not be this Devil, but every indication is that the girl who called the Devil is nuts. Senter plays his character as if he he gets up in the mornings to surf, surf, surf, and could be best buds with Bill and Ted. Curiously, this tale is provided chapters, and Senter's not leaving the apartment even when it appears he could does kind of indicate he's who the girl says he is. The goat's head pentagram on the floor, grimoire book, and the curious image on the pizza's guy's white hat, along with the portraits that segment each chapter all add plenty of Satanic iconography to go with the plot regarding what could or could not be a "dance with the Devil". Senter is the whole show here. He's a lot of fun. The chapters, awkwardly coming and going, kind of intrude upon the developments in the tale, but I enjoyed this well enough, I guess. Erin Aine Smith is Emily, the girl to do battle with Satan or so she thinks. Andy Earle, Leore Hayon, and Eli Bildner try to convince her that she should stop all the "I want to talk to my dead sister" nonsense.
The final tale is an oddball bookend with Tom Holland as a janitor in this vampire club where patrons unknowingly become blood supply. Vampire's Dance has Lisa McLowry looking for her missing sister, requesting help from Shaun Benson, trying (and failing) to save humans from being lunch. This has a weird "dance" that is supposed to be sensual but winds up just eliciting a reaction of WTF. Holland's interludes as a smiling janitor making comments about what we are seeing doesn't do the tale any favors.
Out of the twisted tales presented, I think the Bettis-led Shockwave, and Senter-dominated The Pizza Guy are the best of the rather bad/mediocre bunch. But even these two tales go on longer than needed and suffer from a lack of budget and peculiar touches that really aren't needed (the chapters in The Pizza Guy, the continual "news comments" by a broadcaster). Vampire's Dance and Bite are probably the worst of the bunch, either suffering from no clear need to exist or rotten effects. I honestly found no value in Vampire's Dance whatsover, and Bite is so badly made on a technical level, it has little if anything to recommend it.
Holland can recover from this since these were all no-budgeted shorts he made super cheap with little funding, and I came away figuring he'd be a cool guy to have a beer with, but the stench of some of these tales I hope will leave my nostrils after this review is over.
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