Splatter University

*

Splatter University uses the basic tenets of the slasher film. There’s the escaped lunatic who murdered a doctor in his mental institution, taking his clothes, and getting out of the hospital holding him. You have the teacher at a university murdered for no apparent reason (“It seems to me if you’re going to kill someone, you’d at least know them real well.”), stabbed right in the heart, bleeding like a stuck pig. She bleeds out, and cut to a new teacher, fresh out of college herself, landing the same position (considered cursed by the students). Will she be next?

 

• Horrible dubbing in this film. The student characters are extremely obnoxious. One of the guys likes to howl for some reason; he seems to be the idiot all the girls are attracted to (or have slept with). I don’t have the foggiest notion why. The teacher, Professor Parker, doesn’t exactly have an enthusiastic class who wants to learn or even bother caring. A priest walks in “to observe” (perhaps, to make sure the class pays attention and doesn’t give her too hard a time), and he appears to be quite critical of her “methods” (if presenting herself as nervous and not all that aggressive in engaging her bored class is what that was considered).

• What does this film a disservice is the lack of anything entertaining (at all) happening. A low budget is not excuse for producing a bunch of dull characters with nothing remotely interesting to offer. One couple get along so well they argue constantly with the boyfriend telling his girlfriend often how much of a pain in the ass she is as she follows up with, “Go to hell.” When he’s gotten onto by his boys for letting her walk out on him, he says, “Hey, I gotta finish my beer.” Yeah, swell bunch of clowns this film vomits out at us during the running time.

• There’s a car that doesn’t crank, the victim practically has a target on her, with a brief glimpse of someone with a knife hiding behind a wall. Without a lick of suspense, the killer just comes behind the girl in the car, takes his knife to her forehead, dumps her in the trash bin nearby, and drives off in it! Her pals unknowingly dumps their beer cans in the bin on top of her corpse!

• The mystery of the plot is “who is the killer?” Is it a he or she? The patient appears to be a dude if just due to the size of the killer leaving the stall. Is he a member of the faculty? The priest has a shaky leg he can’t keep still sometimes, although he does appear normal and quite held together. Could it be the teacher who Parker develops a rapport and trust with? He looks trustworthy enough. He doesn’t carry the appearance or likeness of some wacko.

• Ms. Blume is the apartment landlord. A bit of an oddball, she’s your classic elderly eccentric that the tenants roll their eyes at. She’s not all that fun, though. The film is just cursed with a lack of energy in all departments. The generation of the plot, the development of characters, the performances of the cast, and the photography (even the score farts out a droning Casio piano that doesn’t even try to build tension or mood). Flat and lifeless. The murders themselves, while offering lots of fake film blood, can’t liven things up. Just watching Slaughter High yesterday, it certainly isn’t a work of art but next to Splatter U, it is a masterwork.

• It crossed my mind that the film’s direction and approach is about as spirited as Parker’s class. Some people got together and made a movie. But you wouldn’t think those that made this really put forth the necessary gusto or give-a-shit effort that could appeal and embrace an audience. Splatter U is the kind of film Student Bodies made fun of gleefully. I fought the creeping sleepiness that started to overtake me.

• There’s a lot of pleasant conversation between boyfriends and girlfriends of the students (“Shut up” is a common line of dialogue), and a lot of assertive attempts at shagging. The young men are pigs, and the girls are whiners. You don’t really get any characters (except Parker) that aren’t insulting or crude. Like one guy who has a girl that gives him blow jobs yet when a girl (who was pregnant) winds up with her throat slit at a drive-in, the jerk decides he’ll get another girlfriend because he “likes the movies they play.” One thing’s for certain: Parker can’t drive for shit. One thing stuck out to me: Parker’s classroom had the sign “Bookstore” hanging next to it!

• The film baits the slasher fans with some bloodshed at the beginning but it is all a tease with little payoff. Enduring what happens afterward leaves much to be desired.

Thankfully Splatter University (1984) is barely 70 minutes. Originally, the film was merely 60 minutes. Padded with extra scenes involving the useless students, it might as well had just been an hour. Ultimately, the college kids in this are plopped in the film to be excess fat around the putrid meat.

• I will give Splatter U some credit, though. It has an amusing twist regarding the killer although I personally guessed it about middle way. It made sense that the killer could surprise people if they were fooled by his "standing there". Mark, a professor at St. Trinians, is too obvious the choice as red herring, but it moves the final "girl" (Francine Forbes, an adult, although young and not quite older than those she was teaching) to the killer so his inclusion makes sense. 

• The soft voice and not-quite elaborate craziness (more subtle and stone-faced; I consider the killer a dead-pan joke) makes the killer atypical. He doesn't go bug-eyed or allow himself to go into hysterics. The stabbing is enough.

• Some extra credit also goes to the decision regarding Parker. The film doesn't go the usual route where she evades capture and circumvent the efforts of the killer until he falls off a ledge or impales himself on a gate post. She, unfortunately, doesn't help herself by making stupid "hiding decisions". 

• The droning keyboard as Parker runs down halls in the school (the same when she runs from Mark's apartment before this), and the lousy build up to murder scenes are worthy of a good satire. Again, Student Bodies came about five years before this but Splatter U was the exact film it was poking fun at.

• There is plenty of the knife buried in bodies. This is a rather violent slasher for a 70 minute running time. Lots of blood red. The film does live up to the title, although almost everything about it besides the splatter is shit. 

• I was rather astonished that Splatter U does have its fans. Slasher fans do seem to like it, but most of the reviews I read recognize that its crap. You get the acknowledgment that this film isn't of any real quality, but within its genre it is a must see, particularly for 80s slasher purists. I can't deny I'm glad I finally saw it. If just to scratch it off my "to see" slasher list.