John Dies at the End.

Dave Wong (Chase Williamson; his character abandoned by the broken adoption system, having he knew not his parents, just surviving the best he can) receives a strange call from a high school bud, John (Rob Mayes) regarding his experiences after taking a new drug that allow you to see what others can't, like doors to other dimensions. It will be quite an adventure as these two young men become aware of a possible invasion thanks to a creature named Kurock.
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I have seen my share of strange shit. Really I have. I imagine so have many who pass by here from time to time. But in John Dies at the End, I have to say that I’ve never seen a door knob manifest into a dick. Yes, a dick. Only a Don Coscarelli movie could produce such an effect and it be acceptably joyous. To me, and his diehard fans, a Don Coscarelli film is a big deal. A literal event. Because we get so few from him, when a film of his does hit the market, in one form of media or another, it is met with an applause that is probably not understandable to those who don’t get what all of this hoopla is about.





There was a moment that left me absolutely, positively gobsmacked. Meat and fish (and an actual turkey for its head!) kept in a freezer actually pops out and forms into a creature that threatens to *duel* with the film’s heroes. They call it a “manifestation” which is as good a description as any, I guess. The spiritualist, Marconi, is so good at whatever it is he does to defeat evil manifestations that seemingly with a simple dialogue he can reduce them to nothingness. And if that wasn’t enough, you have some jerk, at a cheap high school concert in some spot at a park, snatch an amputee’s prosthetic hand and throw it for laughs. It is the kind of film that has our hero, Dave Wong (white as can be; his name is a long story), saved from being burned alive after his dog drives his truck into the trailer, opening a hole for him to escape. This is the kind of film that allows Wong to visit a munitions factory just so a creature would fly into a bullet shell casing so that when fired from a police officer’s gun, the impact wouldn’t kill him. Oh, and trust me when I say that you will never look at phantom hand syndrome quite the same again when a handless hottie is needed to open a door from a spiritual realm. Thankfully, this film produces two new terms I shall carry with me until my time on this earth is o’er: arachnicide and beastiology (yes, the latter comes with a joke that pokes fun at the South, where I live, but, that’s par for the farce, I guess…).





Trying to describe, in detail, the plot of Don Coscarelli joint is futile to me. You just watch the craziness unfold and embrace the lunacy. But it is unpredictable, highly creative, what-the-fuck kind of lunacy that is so missing in today’s horror/sci-fi/fantasy/comedy hybrids. A Coscarelli film doesn’t entertain a clear, concise narrative, instead always bouncing around wild ideas and a plot structure out of its mind. I mean, you have this parallel universe featuring a large one-eyed creature named Kurock that eats those that can provide it knowledge and has a voice with such force it rings the ears of our heroes. A dog named Bark Lee that is actually the real hero at the end which I just loved even though I’m not much of an animal person. Clancy Brown as a super-cool spiritualist / exorcist in fine tailored suits and perfectly groomed hair named Marconi who aids our young heroes, Wong and buddy John (whose fate may or may not adhere to the title; this is a Coscarelli film, after all, so what you think is going to happen just might not…), when they take on the responsibility of addressing the threat of Kurock.




There’s a substance nicknamed “soy sauce” introduced to Wong and John through a charismatic, smooth-talking Jamaican who seems to know things (like dreams and certain coins in the pants pocket), awakened by it,  his gift guaranteed to open pathways unknown by those without the “sight”. The sauce seems “to move” once introduced into Wong’s bloodstream as he can now see it for what it really is. We are given access to the sauce’s abilities as an audience because of the accident involving a hypodermic containing it stabbed into the leg of Wong. Through Wong’s own surreal journey, we are granted the same sight he is. Coscarelli may only make a film ever so often but each is worth the wait. Bubba Ho-Tep was such a gas back in the day (Gosh, has it actually been 11 years?!?!), and John Dies at the End has that same sort of loopy charm, comedy hi-jinks mixed with outrageous gore and “yes, I just witnessed that!” developments. What a fun movie experience. It is so warped and yet oddly harmless. It is all about the execution. The good guys wind up saving the day, yet the ending indicates that their jobs aren’t finished just because Kurock eats bomb. My heart was all warm and fuzzy at the notion that Wong and John had other future adventures ahead of them.




I am always pleased that Coscarelli is still alive and well in our beloved horror genre. His scripts are chock full of colorful, out-there plot devices and characters. I am the kind of horror fan that fully supports films that have a twisted sense of humor, bizarre sight gags so wonderfully wonky / deranged, and characters so variable / flaky / screwy that scene-to-scene you never know what might happen. Over the years, the Phantasm movies had further developed a surreal unpredictability, with humor that was on the odd side, and characters that weren’t always so easy to pin down in black-and-white terms. I prefer this myself. Eccentricities and shades of grey perhaps are traits that separate the horror genre from other more relatable genres to the world at large. John Dies at the End has plenty of that oddball surrealism I hold near and dear to my heart. I think it is destined for the same sort of cult following Bubba Ho-tep enjoys. Embrace the crazy, my friends, John Dies at the End has it in leaps and bounds.









It would be wrong of me not to mention Paul Giammati in a supporting part as a reporter getting quite a story (like us, he’s clued in as to all that has transpired regarding the sauce, John, voices of the dead, Kurock, bugs that invade, and a cop that just wants to “close the door” on all the darkness polluting / intruding in our world) from Wong. Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man himself) has a funny cameo as a priest who might not be as holier-than-thou as first visualized. Glynn Turman (of X Files fame) makes the most of his limited time on screen as a cop weirded out by developments for which even he had never seen, making his mission to end this evil even if it means killing those he deems a threat (including Wong). Williamson reminded me of Emile Hersch, often carrying the appropriate  expression of "you've got to be kidding me!" Mayes is the Hemsworth model, but has personality and his voice is put to good use when his John must communicate via psychic link (Wong talking in a bratwurst is just bonkers but fitting for this wacky film) to Wong.






Just to provide added incentive for horror fans, Robert Kurtzman of KNB fame provides most of the make-up effects (also Almost Human has some involvement here) and there's even an amusing animated sequence conveying how sick the parallel universe regarding the Kurock is that furthermore explains Coscarelli's willingness to knock us for a loop (when Kurock is defied he feeds those against him to arachnid monsters!). There are parasitic, no-eyed worm creatures right out of Cronenberg that attach to the human body, insects that "pod" inside human hosts and fly en masse to another when their invaded bodies are destroyed, and all types of unusual doors to other parallel dimensions (like a liquid ball and liquid door). Major cool is a "Mall of the Dead" that is basically a mall in ruin that is all too brief a location that provides a nifty visual--Coscarelli was always awesome in set pieces such as this. If you dig a film that isn't interested in normal storytelling methods--and Phantasm fans know what I'm referring to--then I can safely say pull up to the table and dine.

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