Motel Hell

***½

Farmer Vincent has a special kind of meat product quite popular in his neck of the woods...and the secret of his success isn't his hotel but the tourists who involuntarily become contributions to the farmer's hidden "garden"

Ah, the midnight movies of the 80s, and how we love them. Well, us 80s brats, anyways. Rory Calhoun, in his overalls, filled to the brim with folksy charm and that twinkle in the eye hiding a devious mind looking to cook “special kinds of meats” thanks to traps set on roads near his farm for passers-through. He needs their help so he can continue to provide his “fritters” for the locals in his rural community! Thanks to his loyal and agreeable sister Ida (Nancy Parsons), who helps him carry out his heinous acts in the process of grinding up just what is needed from the bodies of motorists unfortunate to be traveling through the wrong neck of the woods (Farmer Vincent’s neck of the woods), Vincent (Calhoun) goes the route of the Sawyers (Saw is the Life) from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (an influence, I’m sure): pigs just aren’t enough on their own, as certain ingredients are needed to make Vincent’s hams the best around. That taste is so unique as others gleefully attest to.

Vincent’s own family could be undoing. He has a brother who is sheriff in town (Paul Linke), in love with a young woman (the gorgeous Nina Axelrod) that Vincent “rescued” (her boyfriend was on a motorcycle she was passenger when Vincent put a round of buck in the tire causing them to crash). Oh, that’s not all. The victims who haven’t yet been “processed” are able to escape from their dug burial spots (Vincent leaves their heads above ground and guts their vocal cords so they can’t cry out for help!) and clamor for revenge. Ida might just “bite off more than she can chew” when the revolt emerges right up on the motel doorstep.

Vincent describing the human flesh his customers have been eating and the need to keep the population down (he’s helping God out!) is just part of the film’s black-as-Kentucky-coal humor. His genteel way of going about his daily activities, despite how atrocious they are, is a direct example of how absurd the film can be with its brand of lunatic comedy. At the end, Calhoun, in pig head mask, wielding a chainsaw, laughing maniacally tries to kill his own brother in the farm slaughterhouse. A chainsaw duel results in one of the combatants getting it buried right in his side. Oh, and Calhoun calls his “people farm” his “secret garden”! But, I’ll be damned if the film doesn’t allow Calhoun an out, realizing his life was a lie…yes, he used preservatives.

The film goes down some crazed paths. One scene has Vincent and Ida using “psychedelic” machines to “hypnotize” four bandmates (their band: Ivan and the Terribles! One of the members is played by John Ratzenberger of Cheers!) while they plant ropes around the heads to snap their necks using a tractor at high speed! Another development has Axelrod’s Terry falling in love with Vincent! She’s like this hot beach blond and pulling off covers to reveal her recently bathed naked body, begging him to kiss her! It is bizarre, but this is fitting with the demented nature of the entire film. Kinky couple believing the motel Vincent runs is for swingers looking for crazy sex are just two of many victims the mad brother and sister eye to feed the needy locals looking to stay good and happy. Writing that last sentence just had me contemplating how a writing process for the script came about without those involved giggling wildly at their concoctions.

This sure isn’t for all tastes, but those who made it knew exactly the audience it was intended for. The John Waters crowd I imagine would dig it…