Hatchet (2006)

**½

Tourists could never imagine a swamp boat tour would send them into the backwoods in the cross hairs of a maniac.

Gosh, has it been ten years since this movie took the horror festival circuit by storm??? Amazing to think "Hatchet", which was a darling among slasher fans who could brag about seeing it, is rather old news now, having produced two more bros since it made the rounds before getting a strong DVD release by Anchor Bay. I saw "Hatchet" on the Walmart shelf for years. In one area of Wally or another, there was "Hatchet" just begging a new generation of slasher fans to give it a go. It was made by those who grew up with the Friday the 13ths and had this burning desire to add their own backwoods slaughter to the mix. Everybody and their mother has tried (many failed, while a short list of a few did contribute something of note) to add a slasher film to the genre, most with very little money but a lot of heart.

Adam Green would return to direct one more "Hatchet" movie before calling it a day. He put a fun cast together and the dialogue (however crude and raunchy, sometimes lewd and vulgar) could amuse you on a forgiving day. The humor did give me the chuckles, I admit. The buddies--one lamenting the loss of a girlfriend who betrayed him, another just wanting to see as many Nawlins breasts as his beads will provide (there's even humor on his "token black actor" status)--depart the typical city naughty shenanigans  for a supposed Swamp Ghost boat ride. A number of tourists take the ride and wind up with an Asian guide from Detroit (Perry Shen) who applies the best Nawlins accent he can muster. What they can't possibly expect is to run into an Elephant Man type psychotic maniac with superhuman strength out to obliterate everyone in "his" path. I don't have the slightest clue how he even exists considering the history of him is said that his father accidentally hit him in the forehead with a hatchet trying to knock the door open of their cabin in the woods after some rotten kids set it on fire with firecrackers.

How much of that back story is accurate is up for debate. And whether or not he's undead or just so pissed off he is impervious to violence and endures the kind of punishment that kills the average person. Richard Riehl and Patrika Darbo are cheery Midwestern sorts with an innocuous nature. Mercedes McNabb and Joleigh Fioravanti are wannabe actresses fooled by Bill Murray's bro, Joel, into believing he's some director wanting to make them stars! They flash him tits in different locations and he encourages them to "emote" various expressions. Joel Moore and Deon Richmond are the two buddies overwhelmed by the emerging dangers they were certainly unprepared for. Tamara  Feldman is looking for her pop and brother (Robert Englund and Joshua Leonard in cameos), with Moore awkwardly trying to make small talk and failing miserably.

Ultimately this is the same kind of body count movie modeled passionately after its Friday the 13th Zombie Jason mentor...John Carl Buechler's involvement further emphasizes this. Kane Hodder receives a new monster to being to life and some hideous makeup to wear. Getting to just destroy folks is right in his wheelhouse.

Every kind of vicious and explicit body warfare is tendered with extreme force and aggression by Victor Crowley. He takes no prisoners and doesn't hesitate... you around him when he is there, your just shit outta luck. Hatchet, sander, and especially his hands do some serious damage. The infamous face split, arms pulled off the torso, a head twisted completely around, innards yanked from a body while the victim cries out in agony, a sander mangles a face, and a head is taken clean off with a shovel: the tourists get it real good. And one unlucky soul not only is attacked by a gator but had his shoulder butchered by a hatchet. Lots of slow motion blood and guts splash across trees. Panicked screams and terror and the occasional quip by Deon accompany the carnage and chaos. And if you think setting Crowley on fire or impaling him with a cemetery gate spike will keep him down...fuhgettaboutit.

I think if it is inspired by one specific flick it is the seventh film in the Friday the 13th series, The New Blood. Crowley is inhuman and has the unforgiving wilderness as his playground. Include the dark terrain of the woods at night, running around in circles, and Crowley comfortable in his surroundings, the new Zombie Jason is alive and well.

I highly recommend seeing the making of doc where Green and company enthusiastically bring this film to life, and it shows the love of horror at its most grateful.