Critters

Critters and The Scarecrow go back a long way. Like Trancers, Critters was a part of childhood, a VHS recording off of HBO constant viewing for me. I'm that kid who, after running around like a hooligan outside for a spell, would retreat to the bedroom, pop the tape in the Emerson (I couldn't afford Sony or Magnavox at time, so sue me) and watch a crummy recording that had its share of wear and tear.

I was quite surprised at Walmart one day to see the complete set of Critters movies for quite a small price; to me, it was worth the price for the first and second film. I got the set primarily for the first film because it was really an integral part of a fond era of my life when I could get engrossed in monsters and mayhem. Firestarter and countless action shows in the 80s were responsible for my endurable joy for all things pyrotechnics. Critters follows this mold, and I revel in its decision to do so.


The poor farming family, The Browns, suffer inextricably thanks to a mischievous, predatory, chaotic, voracious group of alien furry balls with mouths full of mean chompers and devilish red eyes (that glow in the dark no less) from an outer space prison asteroid...now this is a sci-fi B-movie plot if there ever was one! They eat EVERYTHING in sight, roll around shooting porcupine needles tipped with a type of knock-out poison that causes a nasty sore around the penetration point. Some of them (particularly one) actually seem to grow over time, and no one is safe as long as they have free reign to move about seeking whom or what they may devour. The "warden" of the prison asteroid sends two bounty hunters (with blobs for heads) to fetch the crites (their real names) who had escaped in a space ship.

What really took me aback during this viewing of the movie (my first viewing seeing it in a high-gloss, beautiful wide-screen transfer on dvd) were the impressive special effects. Like the scene where the bounty hunters "take on" new faces, looking for humans to mimic while on Earth pursuing the Crites (despite the human faces they choose, their violent behavior, with a share of explosions in their wake, obviously calls into question that they are "not from around here"). The lead hunter takes the face of a popular rock star, Johnny Steele (Terrence Mann, like Don Opper, loyal to the entire franchise), while his partner has problems deciding on a face to rely on, taking a dead police officer (Ethan Phillips, Neelix of Star Trek Voyager), then of town drunk, Charlie (Don Opper of Android, the one actor in all four Critters movies).

The two bounty hunters don these peculiar outfits, wear a blank expression, and fire these large cannon guns that blow to smithereens anything aimed at, so avoiding to call attention to themselves isn't their forte. A church (during a preacher's sermon to the congregation) and bowling alley are particular victims of abuse (a marvelously memorable scene has Johnny Alien hurling a bowling ball at the pins, literally exploding them into dust!). When you see the entire front entrance of a church caved in by a police car, it certainly is a showstopper. That, and the poor farmhouse for the family Brown. While it is eventually obliterated with one major blast at the end, between the Crites and the Bounty Hunters, holes and damaged property become commonplace as the battle between alien lifeforms persists.

The cast is a treasured list of vets. Billy Green Bush, who I know from a little indie cult item called, Electra Glide in Blue, is really a source of critter feeding, the crites often taking a bite out of the poor farmer, clamping down and insistent on not letting go. Scott Grimes (who would return in the sequel) is the red headed prankster who likes to build and ignite high-powered sticks of explosive and climb up and down a tree into his room. Nadine Van der Velde is the promiscuous, feisty teen with a New York City boyfriend she's lusting for (Billy Zane!!!); of course, Nadine and Scott are always at odds and bickering due to teasing over the usual brother/sister stuff. M. Emmet Walsh is the tobacco-chewing sheriff, tired of Charlie's drunk ravings about teeth that sense aliens and minor disturbances categorized as much worse that they really are. Lin Shaye has her customary memorable cameo as a police dept radio operator (it is late and she is in curlers!) informing a deep-sleep-awakened sheriff just what has happened in town thanks to the bounty hunters. Quite a list of performers giving this movie a quality in comic timing and precision that sells the film's tongue-in-cheek tone. The crites, though, might look  like something out of a muppet nightmare, they are a nasty bunch of ferocious furballs, tearing apart pillows, chickens, car seats, and humans if in the vicinity of them.


I remember, smiling as I write this, feeling even back in the late 80s, "Dang, is there anything that woman isn't in?" Of course, I'm referring to Dee Wallace Stone. She is the homemaker of the Brown family, who has bouts with hysteria and hubby's shotgun, barely holding herself together as her home and man are victimized by the evil crites. This family is put through the ringer. Green Bush is bleeding all over with bandages covering various open wounds of his body...he's in no shape to be the protector so son Grimes will have to flee the premises, avoiding the crites, hop on his bike and ride for help. This is where Grimes meets the bounty hunters, the trio returning home to exterminate the crites. Soon, however, Grimes and Charlie will have to save Nadine (kidnapped by a Giant Crite) from the confiscated space ship the Crites came in, as the alien balls of fur plan to leave, hoping to blow it up with a homemade stick of dynamite and bottle of lit booze.

Two of my favorite effects just allows the pros a chance to show off a little: the alien bounty hunter taking Johnny's face, that whole transformation almost completely shot without a camera turn-away & the rubble of what was once the Browns' home rebuilding thanks to a pushed button on a device given to Grimes from the bounty hunters. You also get one of those nicely grisly scenes of a flashlight revealing the recently devoured corpse of a cow.

I must admit that I'm surprised Critters was even able to yield a sequel much less amass a total of four movies. Considering at the wake of Gremlins, there were a number of imitators (little grotesque monsters the size of dogs that are a danger to us) produced, you would have figured Critters might provide us one film and left its indelible mark as one of the better efforts in a minor subgenre of pest creatures violently bugging humans. Admittedly, each film progressively got worse, until the franchise wore out its welcome, but I am happy that the first film remains a cult favorite among those who grew up with it like I did.

To add, the scene where the Crite tries to communicate with ET is just another wonderful example of how a movie might be considered dated yet remain such a crowdpleaser because of that very fact. The inclusion of Johnny Steele, rock star, supposedly showing up in the small town, as well as, townsfolk wondering why locals were dressed in those unusual bounty hunter clothes, further adds to the humor. Also, a crite in a toilet and fish tank are certain images hard to forget. Seeing a toilet eviscerated by the bounty hunter's cannon gun was just icing on the cake. This is that kind of movie. I think Critters came at the time when 80s sci-fi were paying homage to the classics of the 50s, while applying an 80s pop culture sensibility that makes it accessible to the contemporary audience of the time.