Tales from the Crypt Movies

 

It had been a while. Shudder had these on their "Soon to Be Leaving" list so I wanted to revisit "Demon Knight" and "Bordello of Blood". Good times.

Demon Knight

Kelly Brook would not have chosen the other guy over this film's Billy Zane in "Survival Island". Zane was never more a commanding hunk that in Demon Knight. He's just phenomenal. Zane quips with style and charisma, owns the screen whenever he appears. And how he is able to seduce some of the victims is realistic because...well look at him!

I think the film gives us that Carpenter siege vibe when you watch this as it is set in this off-the-beaten-path desert hotel with Zane needing something in Sadler's possession, as the latter holds up with an unfortunate collection of locals while the former tries to get inside.

While I think the demons accompanying Zane are fucking rad (they do resemble the oft-mentioned Evil Dead possessed humans but I think Dickerson's Tales/Crypt creatures have their own distinctive look and personality) and the carnage is epic (humans possessed by Zane have split open heads, decapitations, explosions, and gunshot eye gouges, there's a punch completely through the face to the point Zane gets his hand stuck in the cop's head, an arm is ripped right off, demons devour an asshole, a claw buries into a chest, a claw buries into a face, a demon burns alive and explodes into a big house full of flame, etc.), I think why I really dig this so much is the cast. This cast kicks all kinds of ass.

I LOVE CCH Pounder (in the 90s, she was the kind of actress that was in a lot of sci-fi I watched) so she has a gnarly departure along with another cop holding the line against Zane and his demons with grenades, Sadler makes for a perfectly adequate, stoic, intense but brave hero carrying a "key" containing the blood of crucified Jesus and "soldiers" down through the years keeping the darkness from removing the light, Jada Pinkett as the reformed ex-convict eventually chosen to be the new soldier (how she uses the blood to combat Zane, such as submerging herself with it and filling her mouth with it to spit it out on him proves how brilliant she is) makes for a fine replacement heroine to hold off the wily Zane, Thomas Haden Church is perfect casting as the self-absorbed heel willing to give up the key in order to save his own worthless hide, the great Dick Miller as a drunk who is easily persuaded by Zane's bar of naked girls hallucination, Fleischer as the postal worker in love with sexy Brenda Bakke, and John Larroquette as an acid bath, hatchet-wielding psycho in Cryptkeeper's splatter movie prove to be quite a special assemblage of great characters for the film.

While this wasn't a monster hit at the theater, I remember this being a popular rental talked about very affectionately when released on video. That was because I was finally getting to watch Tales on Fox and the show was huge with my friends. It was the naughty HBO show we always wanted to try and watch but wasn't available to us. I could remember visiting my uncle or cousin, looking through the TV Guide, just hoping the show was on their HBO. The film really captures the spirit of the show, as Kassir once again nails it with the voice and the quips of the Cryptkeeper (not to mention his opening bit as the director of a splatter film set for a big "screamiere") are once again a real knee-slapper.

I wish I would have watched this during October last year! It was about to leave Shudder so I wanted to make sure I caught it before it happens.

Bordello of Blood

I actually don't believe I've watched this since the late 90s. Just never got the itch to watch it again. While I prefer "Demon Knight", this follow-up isn't as horrid as I remembered. It has Everhart as the redheaded sexual dynamo vicious and sultry vampire, Lilith, really into her role while Dennis Miller quips with that shit-eating grin. Eleniak seems bored as the Christian operations manager for Chris Sarandon's guitar-strumming, telecast mega-church Reverend. Miller for years had a running joke on how horrible this film was, bringing it up as a punchline here and there well into the 2000s. Kassir's Cryptkeeper has some fun zingers at the end such as "Romeo and Ghouliet", "You better get out while you're 'a head'", among other "tasty" macabre jokes. Corey Feldman as a vampire brother of Eleniak dressed like a metalhead well into the mid to late 90s cracked me up, though, his part isn't all that substantial. He certainly goes out memorably with a hole blasted right through his lower torso. And Everhart's vamp lasered and skewered at the reverend's mega church has a grandiose departure as well. Miller also uses a "holy water super soaker" along with Sarandon to take down the brothel in the funeral home. Aubrey Morris is having a grand ole time as the butler and Everhart's loyal hired help, tending to the funeral home side of the business while Fondacaro has a neat extended role as Lilith's loyal aid, turning on Sarandon for her when he tires of being bossed around.

Nothing great, I thought, but the pacing was appreciatively humming along at a speed that doesn't waste too much time and while dated, there is some gore (I think a lot of it was on purpose campy) and grisly makeup effects. The vampire hookers burning alive, falling apart, melting, and exploding provided plenty of highlights if you love that sort of thing. 

Since this was leaving Shudder, I wanted to make sure to get a viewing in on it since I am not sure when I will see it again. Oh, Sadler has a cute cameo as a mummy looking to vanquish Cryptkeeper in a game of who rules the roost in their domain. Whoopi Goldberg has an odd cameo in a hospital room.

I think Dennis Miller will be an acquired taste. I think Everhart, Feldman, Morris, and Sarandon's casting helped to sort of balance that out, however. This film does feel like a holdover from the 80s, come to think of it. It could be because of the playful nature of the film, the rampant nudity and silly gore gags.