Thursday, November 3, 2016

Creature (2011)

 *
Sid Haig has gotten a lot of mileage out of his career resurgence, but 2003 has been 13 years ago, with Zombie gifting him the wildly popular Captain Spaulding character. Since then he's been in a lot of shit. Creature (2011) is such a rotten example of popping up in a film for about fifteen minutes, featured in a glorified cameo that is sporadically used to flash a devious smile and offer his wicked charms. It is pretty much what he is cast for in all these movies nowadays. He is charismatic, just like Bill Moseley, and I have to give to Haig, his presence elevates even the worst of the worst from being a total waste. Any film that can't get value out of creepy Pruitt Taylor Vince is just doing something wrong. Daniel Bernhardt gets the honors of the "lockjaw" monster suit with a mouth that is split open quite wide, doing his roar and pounding-chest routine. Wayne Pére and David Jensen are Haig's brood of convenient store backwoods creeps, sending off bad vibes to any tourists or out-of-towners that might arrive for supplies (and to sneer at the sideshow attractions set out to gawk at). The plot is basic monster movie formula: Haig and his pals offer victims to Lockjaw so that they can maintain their good will with it. They serve it religiously in some vague way. The group of adult youth on vacation camping run afoul of them. This group includes the delicious (and ridiculously underused) Lauren Schneider, Dillon Casey (Schneider's brother in the film), Mehcad Brooks (Supergirl, the series), Serinda Swan (as Brooks' girlfriend), Aaron Hill (Swan's brother in the film), and Amanda Fuller (both Schneider and Casey desire her).

There appears to be no budget for decent horror effects (the severed head is a prop right out of novelty gift shop) as many of the violent bits are off screen. Slow motion is used horribly (seriously undercutting any action that exists). The film does have some attractive folks, and there's some surprising amounts of nudity (full frontal Jennifer Lynn Warren opens the film with a titillating skinny dip that ends in her losing her legs, crawling out of the swamp on the shore; Fuller spends enough time exposing her tits, while Schneider gives us a flash as well, smiling while she does so). I do give this film credit for actually allowing an African American character to be the hero for a change so that is in its favor: of course, it also has him often getting the hell beaten out of him by Lockjaw. Why would you have the soundtrack posit these crunching sounding blows with every time Lockjaw hits Brooks, including blood spitting out of his mouth, only for him to vanquish it (off screen after following it into this sink hole to save his girl) afterward? Just have it toss him around where it could appear that he would survive enough to counterattack later. But the way this film shows the creature throttle Brooks, no one would survive that many blows to the torso and make it back up. There is this weak ass backwoods ceremony led by Haig that is half-hearted and deals no suspense whatsoever. There's plenty of running around in the woods, the prey introduced on a break from life enjoying potential adventure before Haig and his beast spoil the festivities, and excessive growling. The reveal of Haig's offspring involves sister masturbating brother while he peeps on Brooks and Swan, with sister expecting brother to return the favor! Haig punches out his daughter, ties her up in a cabin, cuts off her foot (!), and leaves her to be killed (I'm not sure but I think there's a hint of possible molestation) by the creature because that's what "God wants". Yeah, there's nonsense about "God has chosen you" which mines backwoods spiritual sacrificial madness the horror genre has produced plenty of in times past. You've seen so much better that what this offers. Follows after Hatchet (2006) which it resembles somewhat, particularly in the choice of location and rampaging beast (with the over the top gore of Hatchet easily besting anything Creature has to offer).

Schneider's really into her part as this vixen who clearly is sexually adventurous. Her scene in a tent with Fuller is mildly hot, but before it can go anywhere, Hill interrupts, hacking apart a snake about to enter in. Brooks and Swan have good chemistry which has their lives threatened by Haig's desire to offer her to his monster while her man tries to rescue her out of harm's way. The sink hole ruins any satisfying results of seeing Brooks conquer the beast and take its jaw as his prize...off screen does nothing but diffuse what those making the film were going for, being Brooks taking a licking, keeping on ticking, and retaliating in heroic fashion for us to see. Schneider is just too sexy and fun to be so easily dismissed...her fate is also underwhelmingly non-epic. Much like the film is underwhelmingly lame.












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Dexter - Seeing Red

Sure enough, Pellegrino pops up yet again, as Rita's loathsome, trouble-making ex. Tonight's episode presented Dexter with yet anoth...

Ahs

Ahs

Edc

Edc
Blog's Dead all Over
"... perhaps we invent artificial terrors to cope with the real ones."

--host, Donald Pleasence, Terror in the Aisles (1984)

Sbut

Sbut
Snip. Snip

Hal

Hal
There are many things under the sun
---Dr. Werdegast, The Black Cat

hal1

It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare.

Jtm 2

Jtm 2

Rave

Rave

Mrub

Mrub

Gb

"Back off, man. I'm a scientist."

--Ghostbusters

sm6

sm6

Rv1

Rv1

Nas

Nas

nos3

nos3

Lok

Lok

Po

Po

Ra6

Ra6

dawn

dawn

Dracula's Daughter ('36)

Countess Zaleska: Be thou exorcised oh Dracula, and thy body long undead find destruction throughout eternity in the name of thy dark unholy Master.

mh2

mh2

z2

z2

Hiii

Hiii

Fred

Fred

Ghspo

Ghspo
Movie, so-so, but poster, cool

Enl

Enl

nos4

nos4

gm

To a new world of gods and monsters!


No 2

No 2
Jason Lives

clothes line

clothes line

Ahorr

Ahorr

Cbi1

Cbi1
Case of the bloody iris

Wsha

Wsha

Mouth3

Mouth3
In the Mouth of Madness

Fdfn2

Fdfn2
Freddy's Dead '91

Vyr

Vyr
Vampyres 1974

Sh fr

Sh fr
Friday the 13th Part 2

Vlov

Vlov
Carmilla's kiss

f133

f133

Edpos

Edpos

Ttf2

Ttf2

Jm2

Jm2
El Hombre Lobo

Psycho '60

It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man... as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

Kife

Kife
Knife is calling, Psycho 2

Meg

Meg
Meg Tilly, Psycho II

ring 2

ring 2
the ring 2002, "the tape"

poster

poster

exor1

exor1
"the visitor" The Exorcist (1973)

Conj

Conj

Tz1

Tz1
"Masks", Twilight Zone

In the kitchen, The Shape

In the kitchen, The Shape
In the kitchen, The Shape

exc4

exc4

Ps56

Ps56

Hun

Hun
Murders in the Rue Morgue 1932

Ps89

Ps89

Cof

Cof
Victor and Paul, with their Monster

pcushig

pcushig

His

His

Efny

Efny

sus

sus
I'm going to grind you down to blood and screams.

--Innocent Blood 1992
Rest in Peace, Robert Loggia

wb

Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.

WZ

WZ

Edfen

Edfen
"Do not enter the city...It belongs to the dead now."

h1

h1
Look behind you!

Bs

Bs
"There is no terror in the bang, only the anticipation of it."
--Alfred Hitchcock

linnea

linnea

Amer

Amer
Taste of metal

The h gang

The h gang

Nlc

Nlc
Old Skool Nostalgia

Hp

Hp

Smoke

Smoke
Got a smoke?

Strek

Strek
Live long and prosper

Hill

Hill

Castle

Castle

SRW

"This seems to be the place where the plot begins to thicken..."
--Spooks Run Wild (1941)

Frere and dummy

Frere and dummy

Mlove

Mlove

Alone/dark

"There are no crazy people, doctor. We're all just on vacation."

--Alone in the Dark (1982)

Lips

Lips

Fhz

Fhz

Ph

Ph

Vestron

Vestron
Vintage VHS

sm 3

sm 3

Monique parent

Monique parent
Erotique in Review

Were5

Were5

f13

f13
November 2015

Bmate

Bmate

--Wes Craven

I think there is something about the American dream, the sort of Disneyesque dream, if you will, of the beautifully trimmed front lawn, the white picket fence, mom and dad and their happy children, God-fearing and doing good whenever they can, and the flip side of it, the kind of anger and the sense of outrage that comes from discovering that that's not the truth of the matter, that gives American horror films, in some ways, kind of an additional rage.

Ms45 w

Ms45 w

Churcvh

Churcvh
The Church 1989

Ww

Ww
The Whip and the Body 1963

Lsho

"Now, no novacaine....it dulls the senses"

--Little Shop of Horrors (1960)

Christopher Lee

Every actor has to make terrible films from time to time, but the trick is never to be terrible in them.

Vampyros lesbos

You are one of us now. The Queen of the Night will bear you up on her black wings

The Unknown 1927

No....not sick. But I have lost some flesh.

Alonzo, the Armless.

Ckvh

Ckvh

Blood of Dracula's Castle (1969)

Glen: We'd like to speak to the Townsends, please.

The Butler: They are not available till after sunset.

Bw5

Bw5

Jill

Jill

Mad Love 1935

Doctor Gogol: Did you ever hear of Galatea?

Lavin - Waxworks Proprietor: Gala - who? Not wanting a statue of him, are you?

Doctor Gogol: I don't want a statue of Galatea. You see, she was a statue herself. Pygmalion formed her. Out of marble, not wax. And then she came to life in his arms.

Lavin - Waxworks Proprietor: [calling to his assistant] Start the motor, Henry. There's queer people on the streets of Montmartre at this time of night.

Doctor Gogol: [handing him his card] Here, a hundred francs if you deliver the statue to my house.

Lavin - Waxworks Proprietor: [reading card] It's a go, Dr. Go... gol. First thing in the morning.