ABCs of Death 2

The sequel once again repeats the first "alphabet anthology" film's formula. Also again the sequel will have tales that will either appeal or not appeal to each individual viewer. Each is directed by a different indie director, with ABCs of Death 2 providing them with a short, short film format to show their talents. Some fail miserably (Ti West, who had already made a name for himself, but you wouldn't have known that from his piece of shit in the previous ABCs of Death) while others make the most of the opportunity given to them.

A is for Amateur

A hired hitman is on his first assignment and fails miserably. That is what actually happens. Before this, we see a successful hit where the assassin’s job to take out a mobster in a luxury suite of an apartment goes without a hitch. This is all done in a tight, slick-edit style that gets a lot in without much fat to slow the pace down. It is impressive what the director does in such a small window of time. This is all about what Hollywood, in all its flashy stylistics and storytelling fantasy, provides in those Hitman movies and what might actually happen when a non-pro enters the wrong ventilation system, encountering cob-webs, nails sticking out, and the gross remnants of unattended ductwork. The irony that the assassin is successful with “help” (one of the mobster’s own hired security finds the dead body of the assassin and falls to the floor with the gun going off, hitting his boss!) is rather amusing. For what it is, this isn’t so bad. That the mobster’s life isn’t as decadent or “deviant-affluence” as Hollywood often portrays it is another feather in its cap. **½ / *****

B is for Badger

A prima donna host of a show called Toland’s World gives his director, camera operator, and sound mike operator a hard time after a segment doesn’t go as planned (or to his desire, as he is a demanding egotistical diva). They are focusing on a power plant in England which might have led to a giant monstrous killer badger living in an underground cavern. The host is a jerk to his director, holding him in contempt, not wanting the kid to even talk or offer advice. Well, the prick is dragged into the cavern and his body ripped in two, with the lower and upper torsos hurled in the air, crashing to the ground! If you consider this a rib on big-headed talk show hosts who love the sound of their own voice getting ripped apart, then this will give you a bit of a giggle. But it is over in a hurry. **/*****

C is for Capital Punishment

A full length movie stretched to like four minutes, this is a critical indictment of the mob mentality and a town’s taking the law into their own hands. The Ox-Bow Incident made this statement all the way back in 1943 so what is being shown to us is nothing new. What it does show in great, gruesome detail is that an ax beheading isn’t as easy as it might seem. An innocent man is tried by a group of screaming, self-righteous townsfolk, declaring him guilty before their own kangaroo court. He admits to the murder of a fourteen-year-old girl just so he can be taken to real law enforcement, but instead a select few will drive him out to a secluded area of forest to execute him. When it is learned the teenager had ran off with a twenty-year-old guy and was found, two men in the town try to rush a quick drive to locate the executioners, but a tree interrupts those plans and kills them! Off with the head! Truly a disturbing conclusion to a rushed lynch mob story. Gore is well done if gratuitous. Message is loud from its pulpit. **/****

D is for Deloused

D is for Deloused (Deloused being a problem of head lice) is one of those supremely, skin-crawlingly weird animated grotesqueries that seems to come right out of a drug-induced nightmare. Three “beings” (something humanoid, carrying the appearance of corpses that still move, with heads misshapen, and bugs that crawl all over them) have this forth “being” captured and strapped to a table. Sticking a needle in its neck, pulling blood from it, this unfortunate victim lies there, I believe, to die. This room is not what you would want to die in. Anyway this bolt (for a nose?) is knocked out of one of the captor’s face and is squished under foot by it. It lies there to die like the being strapped to the table. There’s the “after growth” that the roach (closest bug I could think of to what it looks like), small upon death that enlarges from. It is now quite massive with a large hole in its tale that houses a god-like creature that commands the being strapped to the table (after a more life-like form “spits out” of its skull once the roach starts sucking on its hand!!!) to go into the other room and take the heads from the trio so it can be fed! This quivering hole with a thing inside it that wants to be fed, a reborn version of the being strapped to the table with a blade for an arm after the roach fed enough from its dead carcass on said table, three decapitations and the heads fed to the god-like head in the giant roach, the reborn being soon falling victim to the roach itself, eventually just a dried up shell of what was once alive and somewhat well. Describing a tale like this is difficult because it is built as something that is like an assault on the senses that disturbs and repulses. Not sure entertainment enters the equation. It sure is a sickening grossout so in that the animation is successful. **/*****

E is for Equilibrium

The ABCs of Death : Second Edition is just not going well for me personally. I haven’t seen a single tale up to E that has done anything for me. E is for Equilibrium is about two bearded, starving men on a deserted island who happen to find a woman washed ashore. Unable to build a fire, they still try to make do with what they have. When the woman comes between them, it appears as if the men will fight it out until one of them is dead, but the surprise is who one of them with a coconut in his hand ultimately decides to use it against. This is just a tale that lays out right on screen as some comedy that could feature a Bud Light and work as a commercial during the Super Bowl. I was absolutely apathetic to this whole thing. The girl is hot, but that’s about all I could feel towards E is for Equilibrium wants to tickle your funny bone but unless you find the two guys funny to look at, I’m at a loss as to what you will get out of this. Massive fail. Instead of “Bring Help”, they want the helicopter to drop some beer. I think the viewer will ask for help in encountering something in ABCs of Death 2 that isn’t damn near totally worthless. The "equilibrium" of the title speaks in part to the duo's inability to find normalcy after the arrival of the woman, their "happy place" disrupted and its effects lead to a decision to return them back to what they were prior to her appearance. **/*****

F is for Falling

Okay. So this tale has an Israeli female soldier, who jumped out of a plane and landed in the tree of some ungodly Middle Eastern country, hanging helpless after her parachute trapped itself. A rather non-threatening Arab boy, with an unimpressive rifle, riding on a mule (nice little jingle that accompanies him before the two converse), could be her supposed rescuer, although it appears this is more about freeing her just so she could be a “prize” to his posse not far distant. The back story of these two is not elaborated, but the situation involving them escalates as fate determines both will not see the light of another day. A challenge to cut her down, a broken bone protruding from her leg, a scream that startles him causing his rifle to go off, and a fall to the ground resulting in a fatal head wound bleeding out; this tale proclaims that no good deed goes unpunished. There isn’t much here, as the time limit just doesn’t allow for much depth in the story. **/*****

G is for Grandad

Just one word: Yikes! I wish I could unsee this. God almighty! Anyway, a constantly-complaining twenty-something, long-haired grandson is always quick to surmise just how out of touch and “relic” his affluent grandfather (who wears his hair and underwear just like his grandson!) is. He’s been staying at his grandad’s home for quite some time but his lack of appreciation and unrelenting criticism soon disrupt the apple cart…and ends violently. A finger pin (meant for opening mollusks) on grandad’s finger could be a deterrent to the insults and hurtful comments seemingly offered daily. This is just creepy and not in any good way whatsoever. Seeing grandad’s privates as he anguishes over his unimpressive wanker while his grandson squirts lines of blood from a small gushing neck wound are not what I ever want to see again. Ugh. */*****

H is for Head Games

Bill Plympton lends his own contribution to ABCs of Death in a kiss that turns into something quite violent: drawn in pencil sketch, the animation is outrageous and inventively grotesque. Eyeballs shoot like bullets, tongues earthworm in assault, spit waves like a broken water faucet as if a long torpedo, and other body parts turn into flying saucers from War of the Worlds dropping missiles or crushing faces into oblivion. This is right out of a late night marathon of MTV cult animation where you weren’t sure what might turn up to take you aback. Not surprising, the animation is a knockout but all of it is just plain weird. **½/ *****

I is for Inheritance

A 120 year old vampire matriarch is shot, stabbed, burned, and decapitated by her greedy relatives for her inheritance. But bumping her off won’t be easy as they learn. Frustrated and enraged, this unscrupulous bunch of no-good freeloaders will stop at nothing to get what they so desire: cars, money, property, and all the fine things of life accrued by their vampire moms. Violent, to say the least, but that’s about it. Not sure what the point is besides showing what levels a family will stoop to line their pockets and obtain what their avarice so yearn for. *½ / *****

J is for Jesus

This will be greeted warmly by some while others will probably find it horribly offensive. For those who are gay and have endured criticism for being so, this might be a treat to see preachers using extreme tactics to “scourge the evil homosexuality” getting brutally mistreated in a torture basement. Others who might be Christian that don’t consider themselves harshly against homosexuals will perhaps be a bit disenchanted with this depiction. Regardless it sets out to make a statement, for sure, and isn’t subdued in the point it wishes to convey. Could be one of the more controversial of the alphabet tales presented in ABCs of Death 2. This has the murdered lover of an anguished father’s tortured son emerging from hell to exact revenge of the reverends attempting to cure their subject of his supposed sexual deviancy. But love conquers all, even from the pits of hell. The bloody vicious use of a leg bone destroys one of the reverends real good. *½ / *****

K is for Knell

This one had me bewildered. It seems this type of planetary body appears briefly in the sky and is witnessed by a young woman through the window of her high rise apartment. It seems to be made of some sort of oil-slick liquid, and soon it implodes. Once that happens, denizens in the apartment complex across from hers begin to react homicidally. Witnessing the murders certainly gives her pause, but as the murderers still alive stare out their windows in her direction, she backs away. But the liquid that the planet was made of greets her as well. The liquid meets up with her menstrual fluid, concluding the tale. Yeah. */**** Knell is “death knell” meaning the funeral bell signally death.

L is for Legacy

A ritual sacrifice was supposed to be carried out by one tribal member on another, but in not following thru with it a burn-demon emerges. This demon starts to execute the tribe one by one. Its touch seems to turn anyone the demon gets a hold of into ash. It also punctures a stomach with its fist and hurls a staff through another. That’s it. The actors suffer with broken English proving their native language should have been used instead. The special effects are rather lousy, and the story is rushed through with little chance for us to get a handle on the characters or their culture. This is a quick bite that fails to satiate the appetite of a plot that needed meat on the bones. */*****

M is for Masticate

In slow motion this lunatic with discolored contacts runs down a street knocking a couple of folks down before settling on one bald headed victim eating with friends at the table of a street café. Tearing into the victim’s neck, a police officer draws his gun and fires a bullet right into the maniac’s skull. We learn that the lunatic took some bath salts after a bet with a friend! The run down the sidewalk is set to Monkees type 70s music. It is meant as a joke. If you find the bath salts incident where an addict eat the face of a real person played for laughs funny, this might be up your alley. *½/*****

P is for P-P-P-P Scary

Wow. Just wow. I don’t know what the fuck point this attempt at surreal humor is supposed to make. Three (I’m guessing) escaped convicts from a (I guess) 40s/50s prison film find themselves in the dark with just one lantern and a few matches. All three stutter and overact fear. They encounter a loon in a rocker asleep as a baby lies in his lap. He is awakened by the convicts and starts dancing a jig to a Scottish jingle with a huge smile on his face. They are quite scared and when one among them sneezes it sends the father into a whipped frenzy, as his face morphs into various shapes and forms (mouth widens, head shrinks, etc.) blowing out their lantern. Every time they relight the lantern, the crazed loon blows the flame out again. Eventually two of the three convicts seemingly implode with only a remnant of skin and their clothes left as residue of their presence. The remaining convict has a prosthetic nose for supposed humorous effect. All alone, the surviving convict has lost the lunatic only for him to eventually emerge. I think this was just a forced bit of awful comedy that embarrasses everyone involved. Gah. */*****

Q is for Questionnaire

Macabre black comedy has an average joe taking a quiz, answering a series of brain-teasing questions that challenge his intelligence for the right answers. He proves to be quite a brainy sort, but what this guy doesn’t realize is that the test is to see if he is compatible for an experiment involving a “cerebral transplant” with a gorilla! The whole brain transplant is juxtaposed with the victim answering the tough questions while the interviewer smiles and lays on the charm to gain his trust! As twisted as it sounds **/*****

R is for Roulette

Three unfortunates (a husband and wife and a nervy older gent with goggle-eyed glasses) are forced, it seems, to participate in a game of Russian Roulette with one of them to be executed or none can escape from a cellar holding them prisoner. We watch as each passes the gun around after pulling the trigger with the bullet just waiting for one of them. It goes until the last empty chamber is no longer, but will the one with the gun take his own life or perhaps think of a different result? Sometimes to save your own skin another is to be sacrificed…but will the captors release them or have something else in mind? Whatever the answer is we don’t know making the whole tale moot. *½. /  *****

S is for Split

Umm, okay, so what appears to be a home invasion has quite a twist as the supposed psychopath in a ski mask, and the weapon of choice a ball peen hammer, intruding loudly into the home of a businessman away in France to bludgeon his wife, is not just on some random kill for the hell of it. There is a definite reason why the killer specifically targeted the wife/mother while her husband listens helplessly on the other end of the line after calling the London police. It seems he has a “guest” in his room (in his bed, *cough*), and the killer knows him “intimately”. So there is a particular affair highlighted at the end which brings everything into perspective. That the affair is homosexual certainly adds to the possible shock during the conclusion…although not as surprising anymore, nonetheless the murder is heartless and hostile, with a vengeful motive quite pointed. Hell hath no fury… Effective use of splitscreen, and the addition of danger towards a baby certainly offers a gulp in the throat. ***/*****

T is for Torture Porn

What appears to be an audition for a porn shoot turns quite ghastly when a rather shy actress, timidly looking down and offering few words initially, turns out to be a monster with tentacles wanting to do very naughty things to the lustful crew awaiting her to get naked to reveal the goods and make an impression. Oh, she makes an impression alright, but it is not the kind they were hoping for! Regardless of whether or not the label “torture porn” bothers you or not, its use for this alphabet tale is practically inconsequential. This is something fitting for a “twisted tales” anthology compilation. Just the same, the girl appears quite “off the bus from Wyoming hoping to make it in the big leagues of Hollywood, winding up in a room full of geeks looking to get an eyeful” only to surprise her interviewers with tentacles that can’t wait to “sample the goods”. The Soska sisters (American Mary; See No Evil 2) directed this one. **/*****

U is for Utopia

The letter U is distinctive throughout this tale about a “sub-normal” citizen considered obsolete and worthy of destruction as a “member of the pretty society” uses a phone to take his description, sounding off an alarm. That alarm signals a sentinel machine which opens its doors, shooting out a hook that would capture the imperfect guy, burning him alive until he’s incinerated into nothing! The beautiful people all clap in unison, celebrating the fact that no “ugly” human breathes the same air as them. It gets its point across about how society too often favors looks over any other quality a person might have. This tale uses an extreme method to further the point, but just the same I thought it worked as a message in a bite-sized portion of screen time. **½ / *****

V is for Vacation

Two buddies go on a vacation to some beach resort. One of them is talking with his girlfriend when his scumbag pal pops up to inform her of their extracurricular activities (drugs, booze, Asian prostitutes) which ends in violence via screwdriver and a fall from the balcony! Essentially, this is about secrets and what can happen on a vacation when away from the normalcy of everyday life and relationships. That it ends with an aging hooker getting revenge on the dirtbag who supposedly smacked her fellow prostituting daughter in the face should be of no real surprise: be careful who you share the bed with, and take good care on how you treat them. We hear from the girlfriend as she has to take it all in with shock and grief. **/*****

W is for Wish

Two kids get lost in an action hero/ action figure show and see that the fantasy isn’t as much exciting as it is horrifying. Loaded with bloody violence and odd fantasy elements (head is exploded by a laser, guts are ripped from a torn apart torso, crystals transform, plenty of the skulls of the dead pop up, creatures of various grotesque forms emerge, and “fantasy man” may not quite be the hero he seems), but that’s it. Another tale that feels cheated by the limits of the time constraints of ABCs of Death… **/*****

X is for Xylophone

Unsettling tale has a little girl dressed in angel wings and dress beats away (more like pummels the hell out of it) at a toy xylophone as her babysitter listens to a record featuring a haunting melody. As the keys are smashed intensely, the babysitter begins to unravel. The little girl’s parents return home to find the babysitter beating away on the bones of their daughter as tear-smeared mascara depicts exactly the insanity unloosened and now displayed before them! Short and horrifying, with that melody from the record player appropriately melancholy. ***/***** Béatrice Dalle, as the babysitter, was the scary star of Maury and Bustillo’s (who directed this) Inside (2007).

Y is for Youth

Soichi Umezawa directed this bizarre and visually inventive tale about a tortured teen girl who fantasizes about inanimate objects (and particularly food) coming to life and assaulting her parents. She imagines her mom transforming into a beloved pet dog attacking her father, a giant hamburger tries to eat her mother, her father’s guitar actually emerges from his mouth, with worms and a flower among other things aimed at the parents. It’s an imaginative grossout where common, ordinary items and foods become something out of a nightmare. Ultimately this is about teen angst and how it manifests itself to us within the fantasies of a tormented soul. Her parents uninterested in her welfare fuels her silent rage as it eventually surfaces. ****/*****

Z is for Zygote

Repulsive and jaw dropping final alphabet tale has a husband leaving his pregnant wife alone for over thirteen years while she succumbs to the paranoid idea of forever being by herself. Instead of giving birth, this mother keeps her child in the womb the entire time! Yes, this teenager talks to mommy while stretching outward her stomach! Unable to walk or bathe or clean the house, mommy looks filthy as does her surroundings. Capturing a cat, with its red meat being cut up by mommy as she prepares to cook it, this is the depths of depraved behavior that has deteriorated this woman from normalcy. When her child comes up with a warped plan to “always be close to mama” as a body is “besieged” (only way I can explain it!), with plenty of blood and bone emphasizing the extremities of how gruesome it all is, it is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. This is a relative to Ed Gein’s work or later Leatherface. The child “replacing” mom is the sincerest form of closeness she could offer but it is quite twisted! Pop returning certainly leaves a foul taste. As sickening as it all sounds. */*****

  

Like last year the quality varies from tale to tale but a precious few did anything for me personally. The ups and downs of the horror anthology are alive and well in ABCs of Death 2.

Overall rating: **/*****