Firewalker

Now this was a movie I hadn’t seen in a LONG time. Perhaps I should have let it remain that fond memory from childhood because tonight’s viewing (while a not too unpleasant diversion) didn’t ingratiate Firewalker (1986) into my good graces as an adult. God, did the critics hate this movie when it came out in the late 80s. It was quite a popular video rental. I remember it was of constant viewing at our birthday parties when the adults were a little lax on when to go to bed as long as we didn’t act like total hooligans. Leave it to Golan/Globus to try a buddy comedy meets Indiana Jones featuring “the lighter side of Chuck Norris”. He sits on a bar and watches as his partner, pal, and fellow adventurer, Louis Gossett Jr. (who, I think, is the member of the cast escaping relatively unscathed) continues to feel the pain when engaged in a one-sided pummeling to a local bruiser the size of a California Redwood before intervening on his behalf with a choke hold in less than a few seconds. If every single critic of any sort of renown hates your movie, then I guess the only thing to do is embrace the hate. Recognize that the movie is considered an abomination bereft of any sort of imagination, originality, or ingenuity and is considered the low point of Norris, not the critical darling by any stretch. I guess if your movie has no good reviews, then cheer on its status as an action/comedy turkey.

Sitting through it, I couldn’t really say any aspect besides Gossett Jr. was all that successful. I would be lying if I did. It is a bit easy for me to rah-rah these reviled action movies since I am such a fan of the junk that so populated the video shelves and theaters at the time. Firewalker just wasn’t very good. Norris tries, I will give him that, but the material (and his inexperience with comedy) just isn’t there. He does get Gossett Jr. to hold his gum while he goes out to beat the shit out of a bunch of seriously drunk Mexican bar loungers. At least they could look menacing; these guys look like they have been wasting away in the bar for half the day. Actually the only one who doesn’t get their ass kicked is the mariachi band! I have never seen tables to brittle..they seem to explode before the bar goons even land on them! The windows have very little durability..in fact they seem to shatter as easily as the tables.

Seeing Chuck and Lou dressed as priests (and Anderson as a nun), disguised so they can cross into “the frontier” of San Miguel, looking for the Aztec gold, was quite the sight indeed. But even here, asked to give the last rites to a shot passenger by one of the militant groups in San Miguel, the scene doesn’t quite get the belly laughs it could if the material was just funnier. Seeing Chuck and Louis disguised as priests earns a chuckle or two, but the comic gold that could have been mined from the whole sequence doesn’t quite surface. I almost felt like it was a wasted opportunity.

Saying all of this, I would find myself smiling because Chuck looks so at ease and enjoying the change of pace role, as if slipping on a pair of comfortable slippers after wearing work boots for quite a spell. He also seems very happy to be co-starring with Gossett Jr. who has that radiating smile that always wins me over. I really liked pretty much everything Louis did in the movie. He was able to take the material and make it his own effortlessly while poor Chuck struggled to work his way through the minefield. I think all critics felt it all blew up in his face. In fact, it seems all critics felt it all blew him into itty bitty pieces.

At least Chuck is saved from being stuck in the Sonny Landham role. He’s supposed to be the follower of his ancient ancestors way of life, purposed in himself  to stop the trio (including Melody Anderson, who considers herself destined to find the gold) from taking the gold from the temple housing it in one of the secret, hidden chambers. Melody has a sacred knife he needs to complete a ritual that will provide some sort of special powers. To be quite honest, I found myself really not caring anything about Landham. He is such a non-factor for so long, he almost seems like an unnecessary intruder, although we realize that the point is for him to duke it out with our heroes. He is the barrier that stands in their way to total happiness. Of course the giant oak does seem impervious to a gunshot wound to the chest and a knife plunged in his back (that would easily paralyze mortal humans), continuing to move towards the trio with a determination that appears unstoppable. Don’t you worry, though, because Chuck’s “spinning kick of doom” is deadlier that any gunshot wound to the chest or knife stab to the upper back.

Will Sampson has a supporting part as a bit of spiritual encouragement, with a wink at the viewer that these are a bunch of yo-yos, trying to protect them from Landham’s “bad magic”. I thought he looked mighty sickly and frail…it saddened me. Ian Abercrombie is an Englishman found in the bar where Chuck had wiped out the customers in attendance, offering directions (and a guide) that could lead the trio to the temple of gold they so desire. He looks more than a bit down on his luck, which was the intent. John Rhys-Davies is a hoot as an old pal of Chuck’s from the past, now the leader of a small army, eyeing a kingship. Burly and loud, Rhys-Davies is a mountain of a man with a humor and lust for life that is irresistible.

Melody Anderson is the cute, little woman that works as the adhesive that keeps her boys on the mission, full of the expected spunk and courage that these heroines are known for. And, yes, she has the budding romance with Chuck. No surprise.

The temple couldn’t look more inauthentic. It looks like a cheap set with no atmosphere whatsoever. I have seen amusement parks with better, more realistic art designs for Aztec temples. Trap doors fall yet our heroes never quite remain concealed. Climbing the walls to eventual safety and stopping Landham’s sacrifice of Melody, our heroes “rough the elements” and reap the rewards of their journey and battle with a nemesis (whose laugh could cause an avalanche).

So Firewalker is a rip-off of popular fare at the time of its making. I think anyone can see that if you were alive during this period. I don’t think Cannon Group tried to hide the fact that they were attempting to capitalize on the profitable films in the marketplace. The failure was to add their own spin and provide some of fresh ideas to the popular formulas from the films they copied. This film only gave the critics even more ammunition to direct at Chuck. While the little recurring joke of Chuck’s inability to fire a gun with any accuracy was rather amusing, his film offered plenty of bullseye gunshots aimed straight at it with almost pinpoint efficiency.