All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018)

 

So I wanted to watch something Christmas related in the horror genre. I get that there isn't a cache of recognized horror films set around the Christmas season besides that short list that pops up in the early 80s. But I have noticed a lot of independent horror films, anthologies specifically, starting to emerge which I think is a good thing. So I was on Shudder, sort of perusing the catalogue and All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018) was available. I read the description and it was an anthology from a female director, with a framework set on Christmas Eve, featuring a couple Jenna and Max (including pretty red-head, Ashley Clements, and awkward but friendly Graham Skipper) attending a theater stage play as a minuscule troupe pantomime with few items the tales that eventually are presented to us. 

Look, you can scan the reviews and user comments on IMDb and Letterboxd and see how folks felt about the anthology, often siting how they wish it were better but not shying away from conveying how disappointed they were despite hoping "All the Creatures Were Stirring" had been better considering the good will co-director, Rebekah McKendry, has built with the horror community in certain circles. I haven't yet watched "Tales of Halloween" so that is one I hope to watch and review for the blog pretty soon. As far as "AtCWS" goes, the first tale, about an office party Dirty Santa gift exchange gone horribly wrong when a psychopath (revealed to be a janitor portrayed by Zerner, the prankster who provided Jason with the hockey mask in "Friday the 13th III") seals up employees in a room for whatever reason (never revealed), leaving weapons and possible "death traps" inside. I wish there was more money and time given to the first tale because I felt like it was not quite resolved satisfactorily. It was like the filmmakers had only so much available for the segment and once that was used up, it was cut short. It has a gift that actually shoots a guy in the head, splattering blood on the wall...that popped me, I admit. The guy cutting his throat over Jocelin Donahue (who is sadly underused; she hasn't aged a day since her breakout in Ti West's "House of the Devil" 8 years ago) was a rather ineffective wound effect, while the gas causing another victim to shake and foam at the mouth didn't quite move the needle for me, either. And then when it appears some altercations will explode, the lights go out, and one person emerges alive, walking away from the building intact, removing a gas mask, with big ornament ball in hand. This was very much a Saw-like story trapped in an office room, with very little money to leave any lasting impact. I am still puzzled as to why Donahue hasn't broke out and made a serious mark after her big role in West's film.

The second tale is the tragic "wrong place, wrong time" story of a young man, on his birthday, Christmas Eve, locked out of his car, meeting two peculiar women who seem to want to remain chummy (and close) to him while he awaits roadside assistance, not realizing they have chosen him as their replacement for a tethered vampire. This creature is "ash-skinned" with disfigured teeth and sharp, pointy figures, hanging out in the women's van. The poor guy just wanted to get home to his family, with his wife and parents preparing their Christmas meal. They dupe him with a cut, their hand grip and incantation passing to him a cursed mark. One of the ladies doesn't get away in time, before the tether ritual was complete, resulting in a slit throat and blood drink from the vampire. The second lady finishes the ritual and places the curse on the guy, leaving him to servitude for the creature until he can pass it to another person born on Christmas Eve. That she apologizes, opens his car with a unlocking bar, and plans to take his wrapped presents to the family is no consolation for the burden she just damned him to. Part of the curse is this "tethered circle" that won't allow him to get very far from the vampire. So he can't return to his family. 

I know Jonathan Kite from "2 Broke Girls", the naughty, provocative CBS sitcom cancelled not too long ago; he stars as a miserable anti-Christmas grouch visited by something at his home Christmas Eve. Kite tries to make this work, but some ghost-like black entities with glowing eyes, his hallucinating a mirror reflection speaking back to him about ending it all and sniffing tinsel instead of cocaine, envisioning a neighbor accidentally knocking him into a table corner (with a rat eating his insides and skin decaying) and leaving him to die, and television special talking to him about his grim fate because of his "bah humbug" attitude wants badly to be quirky and cute but ultimately doesn't land. I think the intent is there to amuse us but the array of setpieces in the house really show the budget constraints and it feels like a series of random ideas sort tossed around for effect. I think this is the first really unfortunate misfire. Kite tries, I'll give that to him.

The fourth tale about a reindeer being killed by an "adultery photographer" after he hits Blitzen with his car, then proceeds to crush it with a rock, is just severely undermined by absolutely no money. It's clearly a fake deer eye the camera spins around, and the shot of only antlers plunging into the photographer's tummy clearly looks like someone offscreen is pushing the rack into the victim. It is just not effective. LOVE the idea but in order for the execution to be of any reward, we need to see more actual reindeer and the logic of such an animal in a house with its obvious size is certainly tested. Perhaps it is the spirit of the reindeer visiting the guy (and his girlfriend), but how this visitation is shot and presented is very low-rent. Just simply not enough money for the idea which just demands more. I thought back to Fessenden and his "Wendigo" (2001), where he also was handcuffed by the limited budget. It is just not overcome in this tale.

Aliens abduct a couple (including Constance Wu) on Christmas to celebrate with a meal and gift giving. Their visitation is shot in B&W, with Wu weireded out by the aliens in human form acting like automatons. Morgan Peter Brown is Wu's boyfriend, startled when Wu arrives, unable to tell her about the alien visitation on Christmas for ten years straight. The aliens wigging out when asked by Wu why they do this is a bit unpleasant, and Brown shooting them in the heads, only for them to "reboot" is awkward. This is where I felt the film had truly lost me, although Wu is clearly one of the big stars of the film. Her name might actually pull viewers to this anthology.

The final conclusion of the wraparound, regarding Max's strange stomach cramps and phone calls to someone mysterious are actually played by the three stage performers for Jenna, who is led to believe she'll be a vampire victim, is just not particularly shocking. But it seems to just be theater, much to the amusement of Ian Gregory's strange fellow patron. Lauren Lakis is the ticket booth worker with a bad attitude. Sadly, this is a rather disappointing indictment of an anthology that just doesn't quite reach its potential. I do hope the directors get another chance, though, except next time with better funding. 2/5